Tag Archives: food

Eat, Eat, Eat, Eat, Eat

All I do is eat, eat, eat, eat, eat. Seriously. Sometimes, it gets to the point where I’m force-feeding myself. Why? Because I have Asperger’s.

With my Asperger’s, I’m big on how things feel, physically and emotionally. And the physical and emotional often connect. I’ll get bored, or I’ll just get cravings, and nothing will satisfy me except eating whatever I’m craving. And that craving will be: chocolate, carbs, something-unhealthy-besides-chocolate, something-unhealthy-maybe-chocolate, hard-candy-like-lollipops, you get the idea. BTW, those are literally the words that go through my head when I’m craving.

I’ve tried doing other sensational things (or whatever the word is) before eating, to try and trick my brain into not wanting to eat anymore. Like petting the dog. I love petting the dog. But even that doesn’t compare to eating.

See, eating feels so good. Taste feels so good. Like, really freaking good. Imagine your favorite food, ever, of all time. Now multiply that sensation and satisfaction by ten. That’s probably what my least-favorite-but-still-like-it food does to me. I mean, I’m no shrink, but that’s what I’m guessing considering how freaking easy it is for everyone else to give up food compared to me. I. Can’t. Do. It.

“Oh, just do smaller portions.”

Where the fuck is the satisfaction in that?

I seriously want to cry right now. I just force-fed myself two PB&J sandwiches because I was just craving carbs. My mouth just wanted to chew something soft like that and my tongue just wanted to taste something nice like that (but, dear God, don’t suggest chewing fabric. I can’t stand fabric in my mouth. Bread and fabric are different. Idk how, but they are). I can never get enough. Even when my stomach is ready to burst.

I have no control. I used to have control. It used to be so much easier. Then I got depression and all went to Hell. Please, is there anyone that can help me?

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Posted by on March 17, 2015 in Uncategorized


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No Kid Hungry: One-Third of the Way There!

As of today, 300,000 future artists, scientists, and innovators are eating breakfast every single day thanks to No Kid Hungry. It was last spring with No Kid Hungry challenged American schools to make breakfast part of the school day for one million kids that need it within just two years. Already, America, we are one-third of the way there! Already, 300,000 more kids have the nutrition they need to fuel their dreams.

Having been in school for teaching for 3 1/2 years, I learned all about the schools and children that need more help outside of the academic environment. And all about how what goes on outside the school affects their performance inside the school. As someone who loves children, I went on to understand how this affects their futures. Reiterating that I love children, this issue greatly affects me emotionally.

I was blessed with a great, stable, loving home life. So I don’t know what it’s like. At least, not personally. I can’t relate. Nor am I sure I can do much about it. I left the teaching world with bitter feelings. But what I can do is empathize. What I can do is help in the call to better these children’s lives.

Let me give you a mini psychology lesson. What I’m going to talk about is Moslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. It’s a chart that shows what humans need in order to achieve higher concerns. OK, let’s start with the basics. Humans can’t really think about, well, anything until their basic needs are met. Hunger, thirst, and physical safety. And we’re talking extreme. Not, “omg I’m so hungry I skipped breakfast today I can’t think about anything!” While that’s almost true, it’s not really as true as it is for someone who has skipped breakfast for the past three years.
The chart continues on about other needs after the first level that I discussed, but that’s not what this post is about, so I’ll just leave it there.

They can’t even think about anything until their basic needs are met.

Our brains can barely function until our basic needs are met.

Your student has skipped breakfast today, just like she did for the past three years of her life. How well do you think her brain will be able to work on memorizing the times tables? Yes, she’s had lunch at school. But do you think she’s had dinner at home? How can someone function on one meal a day on school days only?

I could go on and on about the potential home lives of these kids who don’t get to eat much at home. But I won’t. Because we can only focus on one issue at a time. And right now, the most important issue is breakfast. Thanks to No Kid Hungry, 300,000 more kids are able to function better in school. Their futures are that much brighter. Our futures. Their dreams are that much more achievable.

I don’t know about you, but I was psyched about this post. I am psyched to thank No Kid Hungry, and congratulate them on this achievement. I plan to stick by them and keep you updated on their doings, achievements, whatever information they offer me.

Thank you for reading. Have a great, healthy day!


Posted by on January 25, 2015 in Uncategorized


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One of the Many Reasons I Hate Myself

Because I was babysitting tonight and the preschooler asked if I was pregnant.

“No, sweetie.”

“Then why is your belly so big?”

It’s not the first time a young child has made note of my fatness. And it devistates me. But obviously not enough to make me change my habits. Today, I tried so hard not to eat because I had to save my appetite for dinner with L. But I was really craving something soft to chew. Like a cupcake, or a soft cookie, or a PBJ sandwich. I’m saving the remaining cupcakes for L and me to eat together, so I opted for a PBJ sandwich even though I was beyond not hungry and, as I said, had to save my appetite. That was how badly I needed that sensory sesation. Whatever it’s called.

I had tried to avoid it. But you can only pet the dog for so long until it gets boring or even the dog gets sick of it. Or both.

Now, don’t go complaining about bad parenting or anything about these kids. It’s not their fault. They don’t know. They’re used to seeing average-sized people. Not fatsos like me.

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Posted by on December 13, 2014 in Uncategorized


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Money is More Important than Food

Child gets denied school lunch because of something about his account being negative. Seriously? Wtf? The school says that they give students with negative accounts something to eat anyway. But it’s kinda sketchy that he wasn’t fed at all.
You need money to survive. This in and of itself is kinda fucked up. Money is a material item that in no way reflects your value as a person or your needs as a human being. This is why Marxism is fantastic. But what’s wrong with Marxism? People are fuckin greedy. Especially people used to living in capitalist societies.
I’m getting into things I don’t really understand. All I’m saying is I fucking hate this world revolving around money. It makes children go hungry, unhoused, uneducated, etc. It’s disgusting. And so is that woman who denied that boy food. I hope that school apologizes and gets to the bottom of it. And feeds him next time!

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Posted by on November 20, 2014 in Uncategorized


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My Boyfriend’s Mother Hates Me

My boyfriend’s mother hates me. And we’ve only been dating less than three months. They had a fight this morning. She started going off about me. Probably about my weight. And how I’m probably encouraging him to gain weight. ‘Cause that’s what all fat people do, right?

I’m sorry if my weight offends you, Mrs. A, but it’s really none of your business. Neither is your 28-year-old son’s weight. At least, not when it’s just a little extra tummy weight.

I’ve struggled with food all my life. It’s not as easy-peasy for me as it was for you. Everyone’s different.¬†Yes, my antidepressants have something to do with my problems. But y’know what? Without those, I’d have killed myself by now. By¬†accident. I’d rather be fat than dead by my own hand. I dunno, those are my priorities. Maybe yours aren’t the same.

I’ve shown her nothing but respect, despite what I think of her. And I’ll continue to show her that. I’m writing this so that I don’t strangle her the next time I see her and she tries to start something. Which she probably will.

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Posted by on September 12, 2014 in Depression


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Don’t Do it

Never, ever, EVAR call 911 and say “suicide.”

I made that mistake last weekend.

My parents yelled at me over something stupid, I was in hysterics, couldn’t find any phone numbers, all I could think was “911 will give me a phone number.” Well, he tried to get me on with Lifeline, but the call dropped. So he sent an officer out who cuffed me and took me to the hospital.

My sister yelled at me.

My family doesn’t understand that I just can’t do things the way they do. I just can’t do it “the right way.” I have to do it a different way.

My therapist, doctor, and I think I have Aspberger’s.

My family gets on my case over things that don’t matter to me in the least. And I’m a grown woman (24 years old). So these things aren’t really that important. Now, if it were hygiene or something, yeah, that’d be important. But it’s thinks like shaving my armpits (I am NOT putting a razor to one of the most sensitive parts of my body) or cleaning my room. I just don’t care. I have other things to worry about. Like my spending.

I’m giving my parents all my money for six months. They’ll control everything. Hopefully that’ll break my spending. In six months.

Aspie ladies, how do I grow up? What do I need to learn so I finally stop thinking about just me and start thinking about my future and the well-being of my family? How do I handle life? How do I adult?

My sister tells me I need to get over what happened to me at school. She doesn’t get how badly it fucked me up psychologically. Like, really bad. Because of that, I no longer believe that I’m going to have a future. Not, like, I’m gonna die. More like, I’m gonna be in retail all my life. No family of my own or anything, either.

On top of everything else in my life (PCOS, familial habits, being a woman, etc.), having Aspberger’s makes it harder for me to lose weight, too. I like the taste and texture of the most unhealthy foods. Like pasta. Omg yummm~. But my therapist suggested some things to help replace that. Like, instead of just peanut butter sandwiches, throw some turkey in there, too. Look for healthy things that are soft and I can bite into them. Suggestions? Also, add cinnamon to sweet things. Will help slow the digestion.

That’s pretty much all we talked about. So, yeah. Fun times.

Life with my parents is hard. But it’s the best choice right now because I don’t know how to adult. What am I missing?

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Posted by on September 5, 2014 in Uncategorized


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D is for Diet, E is for Eating, F is for Food

My life’s been kinda dramatic lately. I almost had a panic attack on Saturday. So when I got home I was too tired to post. Basically, I’m just spending my days being tired. Luckliy, I’ll be getting my thyroid checked on Wed. Anyway, so I’m kinda cheating. Sorry :(.

D is for diet, E is for eating, and F is for food. My diet is disgusting. I need to go on one. It’s full of sweets and salts and very little protein. It does have a lot of milk. So when I was lactose intolerant for a couple weeks thanks to a bug, my life was miserable. Yes, the smallest, forced change in my diet makes me miserable. I can’t deal with it.

I eat sooo much. Just this morning for breakfast, I had two bowls of cereal, a bar of chocolate, and five waffles. It’s disgusting. It’s just, once I start, I really don’t wanna stop. It feels sooooo good to eat. Eat, eat, eat, and eat some more. But I’m super picky, too. So I really only like things that are bad for you. And only some healthy things.

I’m obsessed with food. I always have to make sure I have access to it. Whether it be that I bring a lot of food with me, or that I have money to buy some. Half my paycheck goes to food. If I don’t have access to food, my day is miserable. It’s disgusting :(.


Posted by on April 7, 2014 in Uncategorized


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