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You Don’t Know a Damn Thing About a Book by its Cover

After I finally decided to leave the pointless fight about feminism on youtube, I get another freaking notification from someone else on the same video on the same comment. In the comment, I told the youtuber that I, as a fat woman, appreciated the video. This new person goes “you choose to be unhealthy, hahaha.”

Like, seriously?

Seriously.

I think the youtuber in the video even MENTIONS how you can’t tell a person’s health by looking at them.

Not that this person really gave a fuck about my health.

Just because someone is fat, doesn’t mean they’re unhealthy. Just because someone’s thin, doesn’t mean they’re healthy. You don’t know shit about a person by just looking at them.

Let’s say the fat person does happen to be unhealthy. Do you know why? You don’t know shit that’s going on in a person’s life. Personally, I have PCOS, which makes it 10x harder to lose weight right at the start. Then, I’m kinda really struggling with my mental health right now. I’d rather be certain I won’t kill or hurt myself before I even try to bother with my weight. Trust me, my mental unhealth will kill me sooner than my body’s will.

I hate exercise with a seething passion. Y’know that whole endorphin bullshit they talk about when you exercise? Idk about you, but for me, it’s bullshit. I don’t get happy when I exercise. I get exhausted, out of breath, sweaty and gross, and miserable. Even if I just walk the dog around the block. It’s still exercise, it’s still work, and I still come back exhausted, out of breath, sweaty and gross, and miserable.

Food is wonderful. I think my tastebuds are a little extra sensitive, which is possible because I may have Asperger’s. So when I love a food, I LOOOOOOOOOVE it. When I hate a food, I hate that shit and can’t eat it at all. Food is a comfort and a pastime. It’s for celebrations, comforting, anything. And I’m always hungry. I HATE being hungry. Hate, hate, hate. Can’t stand it. Used to be able to ignore it, but that was when I had stronger reasons not to eat. Now, I have food right in the kitchen. Or right down the street that I can bring home for now and later.

Why the Hell should I bother to try and lose weight when my body’s working against me from the beginning (PCOS), I hate exercising, and food brings me so much joy? Because my body will kill me if I keep going this way? What’s the point of living longer if the quality of my life is brought down like that?

I absolutely hate, hate, HATE trying to regulate myself. I don’t want to have to bother or worry. Nor do I want to be different from everyone else. Everyone else can do whatever the fuck they want. They don’t have to regulate themselves like I would have to.

Happiness is so hard for me to grasp these days. I hold on tight to the happiness I can get. And a lot of the time, that’s food.

I can’t make myself do things I don’t want to. I have no motivation. What’s the point? It’s not going to make me feel better. I’ve tried. So what’s the point?

Anyway, why the Hell did the fat-mocker think it was OK to laugh at me? Why is it EVER OK to laugh at someone who’s different from you? Who makes different choices from you? It’s NEVER OK.

Then the original asshole, the anti-feminism one, told the fat-mocker that I’m a stereotypical feminist that deletes things I don’t like. Listen here, fucker. I reported those comments because they were HARASSMENT. Why are you sticking around talking shit about me? Are you really in so much need of self-verification and ego-boosting? Pathetic.

Fuck Youtube. This is why I never leave comments on there.

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Posted by on September 29, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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I’m Fat. Sooo… All I Care About is That I’m Not Fuckable?

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Remember that “comedian” chick that “made fun of” fat people recently? Yeah. So I was browsing Laci Green’s vids, cuz she’s my absolute fave, and was interested in her vid about jokes. I thought it was only gonna be about rape jokes. But she mentions fat jokes and talks about all offensive jokes as a whole. I was ecstatic.

I’m fat. Ever since puberty hit, I’ve been fat. So my fave youtuber ever made a response, though not directly, to all those fat shamers. I wrote a comment thanking her for making the vid. I mentioned that I was a fat woman. A couple days later, I see a response to my comment. It’s the comment you see in the screenshot above. If you don’t remember what he said, please take a second to re-read it.

There are so many reasons this asshole is an idiot. First of all, he assumes that my problem with my weight (if I had one, hows he to know?) is solely the fact that men don’t find me attractive. Before my bf came around, that was only a small part of the problem. Very small. Like, before I met LR, I figured guys who judged me on my weight were at a loss. Cuz I already knew I’d be a great partner.

My problem is SOCIETY. Every person, male or female, who fat shames. Because those fat shamers don’t help with my own struggle to love my fat body. They shame other people for being different and “disgusting.” They don’t know the fat person’s story. What’s going on in his/her life. What’s going on in his/her BODY. Every body is different.

Then he thinks that all I care about is being fucked by men. What if I was bi or gay? But I’m not so I’ll just leave that.

As it happens, I’m very uncomfortable with sex. So the idea that I crave to be fucked by every guy in the whole world is kinda contradicting.

Also, as it happens, I do have a boyfriend who fucks me whenever we get the chance. Why would I want to be fucked by anyone else? Especially considering my boyfriend is intelligent enough to know that what’s inside my fat body is a million times more important. And evolved enough to love what’s inside my fat body a million times more than said fat body. So, again, why would I want anyone else to fuck me?

Finally, he seems to think I want to kill or castrate all men. That’s kinda a stupid belief, because doing so would kinda ruin the whole reproduction and species survival things :/…

Anyway, where did he get all these assumptions about me? Because all I did was inform Laci that I’m fat and, as a fat woman, really appreciate the video.

Wtf?

 
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Posted by on September 22, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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C is for Chocolate

Of course I have to do a post about chocolate and how it relates to my Asperger’s. Because it does.

I am obsessed with chocolate, and other foods that taste good but aren’t necessarily good for you. Part of my Asperger’s is that I’m very sensitive to taste. I am extremely picky. And when I like something, I really, really like it. And when I don’t like something, I really loathe it. I can’t eat it at all.

That’s one of the reasons why I’m so fat. I can’t have enough of what I like. It literally gets to the point where I’m force-feeding myself because I’m either craving so bad, or it just tastes so good, or both.

I generally like things plain. I don’t understand why people need seasonings, sauces, or spices. The food tastes just fine the way it is. Besides, I usually don’t like the seasoning, sauce, or spice, anyway.

I’m very reluctant to try new things. I usually end up not liking the thing I try. But L’s got me a little more willing to.

 
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Posted by on April 3, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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I’m Making My Boyfriend Fat

This was going to be, “I Hate My Boyfriend’s Mother,” and I’m going to get to that, but then I started getting down on myself.

L’s family is really big on healthy eating. And, well, I’m most definitely not. Not that I don’t want to be. I’m just super picky. And I struggle greatly to control myself. Especially since I got depression. (Yes, I -got- depression. I wasn’t depressed before or during most of college). I have noticed that since we started dating seven and half months ago, he’s developed a little gut. But I didn’t care in the least. Besides, I quite like guts.

But L’s parents have noticed, too. And they’re getting on his case about it. Now I’m getting concerned. Is it really that big a deal? Do other people notice, too? Do his coworkers? Does the public? Is he going to get even bigger because I’m encouraging him too much to eat just like me? Not that I care if he’s big or small, trust me on that. I just don’t want him to feel what I feel. I don’t want his parents to treat him the way they treat me behind my back. Except it won’t be behind his back. And it’ll be worse. And it’ll be all my fault.

Besides, being healthy is a good thing. And I’m making his unhealthy. That’s bad. :(.

I hate his parents. I hate his parents. I. Hate. His. Parents.

They came up with some bullshit today that he has an obligation to his family and should eat dinner with them.

He’s 28 years old.

He has no obligation to them beyond chores because he lives in their house.

He’s in that house all the time, cleaning it from top to bottom, doing laundry, doing dishes, while no one else lifts a fuckin finger. Excuse him if he wants to go have dinner with his girlfriend who doesn’t like the fish you guys are having. And who would refuse to eat with you anyway because you treat both of us like shit. I know they think I’m shit because I’m fat, I’m taking him away from them, and am making him fat.

My counselor told me that my eating habits should be none of my parents’ business, because I’m 24 years old. If that’s true, then that goes for L’s parents, too. If he wants to match my eating habits, that’s none of their freakin’ business. They have no right to say anything about anything about his eating or weight.

But I still feel bad I’m making my boyfriend fat and unhealthy just like me :(.

 
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Posted by on February 23, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Dinner at My Boyfriend’s Family’s

I was invited to a dinner thing my boyfriend, L’s, mother was throwing. So I head over after work. I’m the first one there, so when the next guest arrives, I go to help L control the dogs and open the door.

What’s the first thing L’s mom’s friend, K, says to me? “Have you lost weight?”

Seriously? My weight is that important to you? That it’s the first thing you notice and feel the need to comment on? The first thing you can think of to say to me? My weight?

But whatever. It gets better.

For some reason L and I were not immediately socializing with everyone. So when we walk into the kitchen, what are L’s mom and K talking about? Weight loss.

Seriously?

…Seriously???

There are soooooo many things in the world to be talking about, and you’re talking about weight loss in front of me? No one even tried to change the subject, either. They just kept blabbing away about what has worked for this person or that person. Oh, and this worked for L’s mom, A. Because everything’s so fuckin easy peasy for A. Just do this and this and don’t do this and you’re good.

My mom tried to tell me to let it go. That it didn’t mean anything. Well, it fuckin meant something to me. It hurt. A lot. There’s so much more to people than their weight, but that’s all they care about. They don’t even know half the shit I go through in my head every day. How impossible it is to deny my super-hunger and cravings, especially on top of everything else I deal with.

And y’know what? I treat A’s son like fuckin gold. Because I want to and he deserves it. That should be all that anyone cares about.

 
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Posted by on December 27, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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One of the Many Reasons I Hate Myself

Because I was babysitting tonight and the preschooler asked if I was pregnant.

“No, sweetie.”

“Then why is your belly so big?”

It’s not the first time a young child has made note of my fatness. And it devistates me. But obviously not enough to make me change my habits. Today, I tried so hard not to eat because I had to save my appetite for dinner with L. But I was really craving something soft to chew. Like a cupcake, or a soft cookie, or a PBJ sandwich. I’m saving the remaining cupcakes for L and me to eat together, so I opted for a PBJ sandwich even though I was beyond not hungry and, as I said, had to save my appetite. That was how badly I needed that sensory sesation. Whatever it’s called.

I had tried to avoid it. But you can only pet the dog for so long until it gets boring or even the dog gets sick of it. Or both.

Now, don’t go complaining about bad parenting or anything about these kids. It’s not their fault. They don’t know. They’re used to seeing average-sized people. Not fatsos like me.

 
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Posted by on December 13, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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You Don’t Care About Our Health

I’m trying. I really am. I’m trying to read other people’s perspectives when it comes to weight. People saying that we need to encourage healthy lifestyles, etc. But all I’m seeing is prejudice and ignorance.

You don’t care about our health. You really don’t. I can see it. I can see it in your faces. I can see it in your words. In your lack of research. In everything that’s missing in your narratives. I don’t care if you’re a coach, a med student, or whatever. You don’t care. Not when you talk like that.

You talk about food and exercise. That’s it. You talk about women. That’s it. You say things like “you broke the X-ray table.” If you care about my health, why do you shame me by reminding me that I broke the X-ray table?

Why do you look at me like that?

If you care about my health, why don’t you do some research? Things that affect weight. I seriously thought it was common knowledge that there were a myriad of things outside of food and exercise that affected weight. Obviously, I was wrong. And I’m sorely disappointed in my society because of that.

No, I’m not going to tell you the other things that affect weight. Because you don’t care. All you care about is how my weight makes you uncomfortable. You mask your voiced discomfort with concern for my health. It’s a thin mask. I see right through it. Stop acting like you care about my health.

Let’s say for a minute that you do care about my health. Guess what? It’s none of your business. My health is between me and my doctor. It’s my and my doctor’s problem. Not yours. So fuck off and get over it.

My weight makes you uncomfortable. That’s all there is to it. Get over it.

 
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Posted by on December 3, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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