Tag Archives: aspergers

I Love Myself cont

For those of you just tuning in, I had a huge realization last night. I realized that I actually do love myself. This is huge because I have spent my entire life in self-loathing and zero confidnece. When I started my journey to self-loving, I was kinda on my own. Which is how it’ll always be. You’ll have people to support you, maybe to tell you what to do, but you have to do all the work yourself. As a very lazy person by nature, this seemed like a very daunting task. Especially because I didn’t have a set of instructions of how to love yourself like I’m going to try to offer today. As an aspie with ADD, a set of instructions would have been awesome. Now, I’m still a work in progress for this loving yourself thing. I still hate my body, for example. But I’ve come so very far, and I’m sure I can help those of you that are not at my level yet.

At first, I wasn’t really sure if it was gonna work. I didn’t really think about that part. But I had learned that it was the only way I was going to be happy and have the kind of life I want for myself. And I was encouraged by seeing so very many people out there who had done so well. The steps I’m going to offer today are steps I think I took. I could be wrong, but it wouldn’t help to try them, right? I started near the end of high school, and I reached the point I’m at last night, at the age of 25. So if you try my steps, don’t worry if they’re taking a really long time to accomplish.

First of all, I had to be honest with myself about everything. As an aspie, this was very easy for me. It should also cause little trouble for you, because this first step doesn’t require any action. For example, I admitted to myself that I hold grudges. No, I didn’t like that about myself. But with the first step, I didn’t have to worry about doing anything about it. I merely had to be aware that that was something I did.

The second step is a million times more complicated it’s practice and/or acceptance. As a lazy person, I didn’t want to change my personality. Even though there was a lot about it that I didn’t like. This step took years upon years because it took a lot of observation and experience, instead of work, to do. See, luckily for me, I’m an inherently good person. That saved me a lot of work. Through this journey, I learned/accepted/decided that most of the things I didn’t like about myself–like my tendency to hold grudges–really weren’t that big a deal. For this specific example, I would tell myself and other people, “I am not God. I am not Jesus. I am not the Virgin Mary. I am a HUMAN, and as a human, it is ok to be imperfect.” choosing the road of acceptance, instead of change, seemed to make things easier on me, even though it took longer. As I matured, I learned how to treat people with respect and courtesy even when I was holding a grudge against them.

That leads into the longest, though not necessarily the hardest, step. Maturing. Growing up. Listening to people and reading blog posts like this. By nature, I have a tendency to turn down and invalidate people’s advice. “That won’t work for me because…”  While maturing, I taught myself to hold back those excuses. Then to think long and hard about the advice anyway. Eventually, I would begin to actually try the advice. Sometimes it was worth it. To grow up, you have to be open-minded. Yes, you are a unique individual. But that doesn’t mean that your self-loathing is so different from mine that it can’t be defeated like I’m slowly defeating mine.

Well, I guess I’ve explained it all as clearly as I can. I’m typing this on my phone as I think. I have no rough draft. So I’m going to say, now, that maturing is probably the most important part in this journey. You know how people older than you always tell you that they don’t care about other people anymore? If you continue to mature, you begin to realize why that’s so very true. You learn that other people don’t really matter. For example, my co-workers know I’m a ticking time bomb. It is impossible for them to tell if what they say or do will piss me off. But I’m a very hard worker. And after the anger subsides, I know how to treat them with respect and courtesy. So what if they think I’m psycho? That doesn’t affect me at all. Because I’m an adult and, as such, will still do my job. If they merely don’t like me just because of that, that’s their loss. Because this journey has taught what a beautiful person I really am. When I’m not being psycho :p.

Finally, I think you readers need to know what loving yourself really means. At first, I simply didn’t comprehend it. Was it love, like you love you significant other? Was it luv, like you luv your friends? Or maybe is it familial love? I’m pretty sure it’s quite different from all of those. But, at the level I’m at, it’s mostly like familial love. I am a member of my family, after all. Sometimes, it helps me to imagine myself as a little girl I am related to, and I just want to love her so very much. Because I know the ins and outs of that little girl. I know how she thinks, how she feels, and where she’s coming from. I know her needs, her wants, her aspirations. I know her heart.

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Posted by on September 21, 2015 in Uncategorized


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H for Help, I for Ignorance, and J for Jokes

…Aaaand still behind. Thanks for all the support, though!!!~

H for Help. I was lucky. I got a lot of help in school because of my ADD. Actually, I got a bit too much help. To the point where I would get out of doing work. All I had to say was “It’s too hard,” and they would help me, and I didn’t have to think very hard. My parents tried to have that not happen. But they can only do so much to influence what happens in the classroom, y’know? But the extra time for tests and the like, that helped a lot.

Nowadays, I get help in the forms of my counselor, my parents, and my boyfriend. I’m learning more and more about myself and how this or that “is an Aspie thing,” and I shouldn’t feel bad about myself because of it. I’ve often thought I was weird or something because of this or that. So it feels good to know. And now that we know, we’re working on ways to help me in other areas, too. Like my eating.

I for Ignorance. I’m beginning to feel the ignorance around me, however. With my coworkers, mostly. They don’t understand certain things about me. Like how I have systems for things. And how those systems have to be done correctly. They don’t understand that I don’t understand the social cues. That lots of times, my mind goes blank and I have no idea what to say or how to express myself. Their ignorance ties in with…

J for Jokes. I’m really just talking about just one coworker, here. We’ll call him F. F likes to joke around. A lot. He finds all my buttons and presses them. Hard. And I can’t tell if he’s joking or not because he doesn’t use a joking voice. Not an obvious one, anyway, like I do. He doesn’t laugh when he’s pulling the joke, either. And he jokes about things you really shouldn’t joke about. Like joking that he got the open boss position and he was going to fire me. So, I’m just inclined to think he’s a jerk that doesn’t know when to keep his trap shut. But I’ll work with him, anyway. And when he’s being obvious about his jokes, I’ll laugh. Because I’m an adult, and we have to work together. So, there.

Thanks for reading!


Posted by on April 12, 2015 in Uncategorized


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E for Entertainment, F for Family, G for God

I’m doing awful with a-z this year D:. I barely have time to write my own blogs! Let alone go to other people’s! D:. I’m so sorry! I’m going to go to commenters’ blogs as soon as I possibly can, I promise!

E for Entertainment. This may be my ADD, but I almost always have to be entertained. Until recently, though, that was always super-easy. Until recently, when in doubt, I could always just close my eyes (or stare off in the distance) and daydream. I was always daydreaming. My stories, my future, even things that might happen as soon as later that day. This ability of mine was very helpful, especially because at work, I spend most of my time standing around waiting for customers. And on weekdays, business can be pretty slow.

Sadly, however, I seem to have lost this daydreaming ability. I’m hoping it’s because, A) my ADD meds seem to no longer be working, and/or B) I have nothing to daydream about. I’m reading historical fiction currently, and it doesn’t inspire much daydreaming out of me. And my future? Doesn’t look too promising right now :/. So I avoid thinking about it.

So what do I do? I read. Or listen to my book. When you get the kindle version of your book and the audible, your devices will keep track of where you left off on each version. So, for example, I can read half of chapter one, then skip right into listening to the other half. It’s fantastic!

F for Family. Family is numero uno in my life. Even before God. Sorry, but that’s how it is. People say that Asperger’s usually comes down in the family genes. Well, I can’t figure out where my Asperger’s came from. Neither of my parents show any signs. The only thing my mom has is that she moisturizes her hands once in a while with the Aveeno. I don’t think that’s anything.

We have a dog. A Lassie dog. I love to pet him. And I love him, of course. My counselor suggested petting him when I want to eat, to see if it’ll help curb my cravings. Didn’t work, but it was a good thought. Because I love petting the dog.

G for God. Basically, my religion post. Short and sweet, though. My dad grew up Lutherin, my mom Roman Catholic. My dad “converted” so that they could marry, and we were raised Roman Catholic. But, of course, my dad still had his Lutherin influence.

I’m excited to have my own kids for many, many reasons. One is so that, when I’m comforting them, I can finally say something like, “God will provide.” Because no one believes in God. So I can’t comfort anyone with that, when it would actually bring me a lot of comfort. My dad’s God speeches always made me feel better. Because I believe. When I have my own kids, I can raise them however I want. So I can tell them, “God will provide.”

But I don’t agree with most of the Bible or churches or whatever. I have my own belief system that is still Christianity and I like it how it is. BTW, I’m only a Christian because of Mary. I’m not too big on the Jesus thing, but I feel close to Mary and just can’t let her go :/. Lol.

Thanks for reading!


Posted by on April 8, 2015 in Uncategorized


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D for Depression

I know, I’m a day late. I’m sorry :(.

I heard that a lot of Aspies have depression. I didn’t find out I may have Asperger’s until I was diagnosed with depression. At first, I didn’t believe I had depression. I always had a tendency towards it. But with the way I was raised, I never believed I would actually have it. It’s complicated. But when the doctor started talking about medicating me, and when I considered the fact that I simply couldn’t get myself to do my homework no matter how hard I tried, I started to think, maybe.

About a year or so later, my parents were very concerned about the way I was going with my spending and the state of my bedroom (it’s disgusting). So they got in contact with a counselor. It wasn’t long after that when she started to think I might have Asperger’s. I’m not too sure what made her think it. Just all the sensory issues and stuff, I guess.

So I’m just another Aspie with depression, but it came about the other way around.


Posted by on April 5, 2015 in Uncategorized


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C is for Chocolate

Of course I have to do a post about chocolate and how it relates to my Asperger’s. Because it does.

I am obsessed with chocolate, and other foods that taste good but aren’t necessarily good for you. Part of my Asperger’s is that I’m very sensitive to taste. I am extremely picky. And when I like something, I really, really like it. And when I don’t like something, I really loathe it. I can’t eat it at all.

That’s one of the reasons why I’m so fat. I can’t have enough of what I like. It literally gets to the point where I’m force-feeding myself because I’m either craving so bad, or it just tastes so good, or both.

I generally like things plain. I don’t understand why people need seasonings, sauces, or spices. The food tastes just fine the way it is. Besides, I usually don’t like the seasoning, sauce, or spice, anyway.

I’m very reluctant to try new things. I usually end up not liking the thing I try. But L’s got me a little more willing to.


Posted by on April 3, 2015 in Uncategorized


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B is for Blanket and Boyfriend

So I just recently learned that sometimes, people with Autism have a comfort object that they like to hold when they’re upset or something. I was all “Ooh! I have one of those!” I’ve been super-attached to my baby blanket since I was, well, a baby! Actually, I have two blankets, lol. So I never had to be without it when it was being washed, lolz. Anyway, I had it with me every day. Slept with it, brought it downstairs to play with every day, etc. Now, of course, all I do is sleep with it. Mostly because it’s the best thing to cuddle with. It’s cuddle-able, but not so cuddle-able that it’ll feel like it’s pressing against my neck or chest and choking me. Does that make sense? Especially because I squeeze my arms really tight when I sleep.

My grandmother always said I would somehow get my blanket into my wedding dress. Well, don’t worry, I won’t. That’s ridiculous. But I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to get rid of it at night :/. I just need that thing to cuddle more than anything else. And a man is too big :P.

I also use my blanket when watching horror movies at night. I’m such a baby :P.

I also wanted to mention my boyfriend. He also has Asperger’s and has had a pivotal role in teaching me so much about myself. He says I’ve taught him a lot about himself, too. But he’d have to make his own blog post about that ;P. Because I can’t speak for anyone but myself. Anyway, when I mention something, say, “weird” about myself, he’ll say, “it’s an Aspie thing,” and it’ll obviously explain it and make me feel so much better about myself. He understands my quirks because he has Asperger’s, too. And he asks if he doesn’t understand. Like when he asked why I didn’t like cheese. Was it the texture? I explained, nope. I just don’t like the taste. And that’s Asperger’s, too, right? Just not liking taste.

He’s been fantastic. Super supportive of me and my learning, etc. And I’ve tried to be for him, of course. But the fact that I was lucky enough to meet this wonderful young man to teach me so much about myself, among everything else he has done for me, I just can’t grasp it. Thanks so much, L. You’re the best (:. <33.

P.S. The brand of my mom’s moisturizer is Aveeno.

P.P.S. I’m sorry I haven’t gotten to everyone’s blogs yet. I’m going to get to it today. Promise. I’m just so busy on days that I work!


Posted by on April 2, 2015 in Uncategorized



A is for Asperger’s

They think I have Asperger’s. So I’ve studied up a bit on Asperger’s. But I haven’t studied up much on Autism in general. So I’m going to try and avoid Autism in general this month, and really focus on the Asperger’s.

No one ever even thought I had Asperger’s. Never occurred to anyone until a year(?) or so ago when I started seeing my counselor. Growing up, there were a few signs that I was different from everyone else. But I thought that the things that made me different were actually things that everyone had, they just never talked about them. Like the inescapable feeling that inanimate objects have thoughts and feelings. Despite reason. I thought everyone felt the same, it was just that no one talked about it.

I am extra sensitive to touch. I can’t stand touching most things when my hands are dry. Don’t even think about it when my hands are pruny. I live on my mom’s moisturizer. Can I say the brand here? Because that’s the only brand that actually works. I don’t know if I can. So I won’t. But I live on it.

I think I may be extra sensitive to sound. I was diagnosed with ADD at a very young age. And along with the usual ADD symptoms, I do, indeed, hear everything. And am easily distracted by it. I HAVE to see what that sound was, no matter what I’m doing right now. I also remember, as a kid, the toilet flush used to scare the crap outta me, and I remember always wanting to cover my ears. Now I recognize that as a sign that the kid’s hearing is extra sensitive to that sound. Sadly, I think my hearing is getting damaged, but that’s a different story and not related to my Asperger’s.

I have a hard time with emotions and social interactions, too. My family complained that I wasn’t smiling in most of the pictures of my brother’s wedding. They said I analyze things too much. I didn’t understand the point of smiling all day. It would hurt my cheeks. I mean, yes, it was a very happy day and I was very happy. But that doesn’t mean you have to smile all day. Idk, it didn’t make sense to me.

I usually can’t tell when people are joking or not. Even though I took look for changes in voice.

I love routines. And when my routines are interrupted, I usually get very upset. But I try not to show it, unless it’s in a joking manner.

That’s all I can think of right now. I hope you enjoyed reading! Happy A-Z Challenge!


Posted by on April 1, 2015 in Uncategorized


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Eat, Eat, Eat, Eat, Eat

All I do is eat, eat, eat, eat, eat. Seriously. Sometimes, it gets to the point where I’m force-feeding myself. Why? Because I have Asperger’s.

With my Asperger’s, I’m big on how things feel, physically and emotionally. And the physical and emotional often connect. I’ll get bored, or I’ll just get cravings, and nothing will satisfy me except eating whatever I’m craving. And that craving will be: chocolate, carbs, something-unhealthy-besides-chocolate, something-unhealthy-maybe-chocolate, hard-candy-like-lollipops, you get the idea. BTW, those are literally the words that go through my head when I’m craving.

I’ve tried doing other sensational things (or whatever the word is) before eating, to try and trick my brain into not wanting to eat anymore. Like petting the dog. I love petting the dog. But even that doesn’t compare to eating.

See, eating feels so good. Taste feels so good. Like, really freaking good. Imagine your favorite food, ever, of all time. Now multiply that sensation and satisfaction by ten. That’s probably what my least-favorite-but-still-like-it food does to me. I mean, I’m no shrink, but that’s what I’m guessing considering how freaking easy it is for everyone else to give up food compared to me. I. Can’t. Do. It.

“Oh, just do smaller portions.”

Where the fuck is the satisfaction in that?

I seriously want to cry right now. I just force-fed myself two PB&J sandwiches because I was just craving carbs. My mouth just wanted to chew something soft like that and my tongue just wanted to taste something nice like that (but, dear God, don’t suggest chewing fabric. I can’t stand fabric in my mouth. Bread and fabric are different. Idk how, but they are). I can never get enough. Even when my stomach is ready to burst.

I have no control. I used to have control. It used to be so much easier. Then I got depression and all went to Hell. Please, is there anyone that can help me?

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Posted by on March 17, 2015 in Uncategorized


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One of the Many Reasons I Hate Myself

Because I was babysitting tonight and the preschooler asked if I was pregnant.

“No, sweetie.”

“Then why is your belly so big?”

It’s not the first time a young child has made note of my fatness. And it devistates me. But obviously not enough to make me change my habits. Today, I tried so hard not to eat because I had to save my appetite for dinner with L. But I was really craving something soft to chew. Like a cupcake, or a soft cookie, or a PBJ sandwich. I’m saving the remaining cupcakes for L and me to eat together, so I opted for a PBJ sandwich even though I was beyond not hungry and, as I said, had to save my appetite. That was how badly I needed that sensory sesation. Whatever it’s called.

I had tried to avoid it. But you can only pet the dog for so long until it gets boring or even the dog gets sick of it. Or both.

Now, don’t go complaining about bad parenting or anything about these kids. It’s not their fault. They don’t know. They’re used to seeing average-sized people. Not fatsos like me.

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Posted by on December 13, 2014 in Uncategorized


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On Writing and Mental Health

I guest blogged on Maria Ann Green’s blog about how mental disabilities and illness have made me a great writer.

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Posted by on November 20, 2014 in Uncategorized


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