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You’re a Survivor

First of all, I know, I know, I know. It’s been forEVAR since I posted. Sorry. But this is on my mind right now, at 4:30am, and I can’t sleep, anyway. So, here it is.

So, I know this woman who was attacked maybe a year and a half ago or so. When she told me about it a couple months ago, she said something that worried me. And I wish I had said something then, but I think I might print this out and have her read it when she’s alone. If anyone reading this thinks that’s a good idea, let me know in the comments after reading. Or if you think it’s a bad idea. Just let me know your thoughts.

Anyway, she said, “Yeah, it’s embarrassing, but…” I thought, ‘Embarrassing? Oh, sweetie.’ See, you gotta see how I view it. This woman has survived what many people have not. She is thriving, yes, thriving in spite of what happened to her. And so are you, reader. You are stronger than you were before. Look how far you’ve come from that horrible act done upon you. Look how much you’ve succeeded in bringing yourself back to normalcy. No, you will never be the same as before. But that doesn’t mean you aren’t going back to normalcy.

As an outsider and an acquaintance, it looks like this woman has already come back to normalcy. In just a year! That’s unbelievable, imo. I never would have guessed that she had ever experienced that. It’s something to celebrate.

I was never physically attacked. But I was emotionally destroyed. Long story short, I was made to see my entire future burn before my eyes (metaphorically). And was told, “It’s not burning. It’s going in a different direction.” Bullshit. My world came crashing down and I fell into depression and overeating. It’s been three years and I’m still not back to normalcy. My meds still aren’t fully figured out and I’m fat as fuck.

But, I am a survivor. Like you, I have fought against the desire to hurt myself. The desire to treat myself like shit. We’re not perfect at it, I know. We have bad days. We have days where we break our stand and give up. But, if you’re reading this, know that we have never given up entirely. You and I, us survivors, we’ve made it through this far. You may have a long way to go, but look how far you’ve come.

I hope these words have helped you, reader. And I think they may help the woman I know. But I don’t want to dig up the past on her, either. If she’s embarrassed, she might be embarrassed to know that I think about it, and her, every now and again. BUT I’m a nice person and that niceness inside me just wants spill over and give her something to smile about. To help her change her view about herself, maybe. Idk, what do you guys think?

PS, if you ever need someone to talk to, e-mail me. laitiegrl@hotmail.com. It may take me a while to get back to you, but I will.

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Posted by on June 3, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Feeling a Little Down…

I’m feeling down today. I overslept, so I didn’t get to shower. So I feel all dirty right now. It started at lunchtime. Sometimes when I go shopping on my lunch break, I get worked up and almost give myself an anxiety attack. That’s what happened today. It doesn’t really matter what I got myself worked up about. Point is, I started getting worked up. I took a couple Xanax to help me stay calm. But I was still down.

But there is good news. I was happy and energetic this morning after I finished my energy drinks. And yesterday was fantastic. Even though the jerks at work stuck me at the slowest register because I’m doing pretty badly in selling credit cards. But even that seems to be going up. I was at 300% yesterday. And 400% today! It’s exciting. Also, yesterday, a random customer (ahem, member) called my pretty :). “How pretty you are.” It kinda made my day.

So now I’m sitting here waiting for the water to boil, petting the dog. I love this dog. He’s such a sweetie. Even though there was only ever one time when he seemed to sense my feelings. But that’s OK. He’s really lovey all the time. So if I’m feeling down, I’ll just go and pet him and he’ll love it.

Oh, and I went to a writing group last night. Unfortunately, I was so exhausted I had to leave early. But I got some great feedback on my writing. So it was great. One of the guys from the group recognized me just from my facebook picture. It was like OMG! Especially because my hair was hidden inside my scarf. And I had makeup on. And different glasses. And a different nose ring. I didn’t even have my bow on!

Pasta’s in the pot. Wife Swap’s on TV. I think I’ve covered everything. Have a good night, everyone!

 
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Posted by on January 31, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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So, I’m Sitting Here…

So, I’m sitting here on my bed, eating dry popcorn, the dog begging on the floor beside me, reflecting on today. Today was my first day at work without taking any Sertreline. Last time that happened, it was a disaster. Today? It wasn’t too bad. It wasn’t amazing. But it wasn’t awful. I got a little sad at lunch, all stuffed up and wanting all my tears (and snot) to just pour out of my face. But that could have been aggravated by my strap-connector on my bra breaking (my boobs aren’t perky anymore T_T).

Despite my decent day, if you’d ask my boss, she’d tell you I had an awful day. Lately she keeps thinking I’m upset. I don’t know why. But I have a theory. I think maybe I look and/or sound upset when I’m deep in thought and being pulled out of it. Because that’s what happened the last time she asked me what was wrong. But I don’t know. It is concerning, though. Don’t want customers (ahem, ‘members’) thinking I’m upset. Especially when I’m really not.

I finally got that full feeling so my popcorn’s put away and dog is gone. The dog doesn’t like my room because it’s such a mess. And it’s gotten worse since I cleaned it because I brought all my clothes up from the basement. There’s too many. I’ll have to donate at least two garbage bags to Goodwill :(. But I wear everything…

Why was my last paragraph about my bedroom? I thought this was a depression blog. Well, my depression has affected everything in my life, including the state of my bedroom. I’m a very messy person, but I always managed to clean my room when it needed it. Now I have absolutely no motivation to do so. Hopefully the mixture of these new meds minus the other two will help. I hope.

Well, I’m getting tired. That pretty much covers my day. Have a great night, everyone!

 
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Posted by on January 29, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Catching Up

WOW it’s been a long time since I wrote. I still get anxiety. In fact, there’s been a new development on my anxiety. Usually, I get anxiety attacks for some reason. Because something was said or done. But yesterday, I was just sitting there. Sitting there waiting for them to finish fixing my glasses. And BAM! Heart racing, sweating, can’t breathe. Out of absolutely nowhere! And I had no Xanax around, because I keep it in my work stuff. Because I only get attacks at work. Besides, Xanax isn’t working anymore, anyway. So I had to run to Kmart, buy some food, and wait it out. I bought so much food…

That’s another problem. Eating. I do nothing but eat. Eat eat eat. Food food food. I’m so fucking fat! Ugh! We decided this is because I don’t have enough sensory activities in my life. So where am I going to get sensory activities? The only thing I can think of is petting the dog. My counselor gave me a worksheet…

We’re also screwing with my meds still. I don’t want to be on Sertreline anymore because I can’t orgasm on it. Yes, that’s exactly why I don’t want to be on it. A girl’s got her needs. So now I’m on Welbutrin and it’s working beautifully. But I can’t drink on it, which really sucks. I’m at my happiest when I’m drunk. I love it so much. I’m not addicted, but it’s a definitely huge want. Then we started reducing the Sertreline and all Hell broke loose. I’m nervous to see what will happen when we take me off the Abilify D:.

Because I can no longer drink, I’m looking for other ways to let loose. Energy drinks are possible, but my body’s getting too used to them too quickly. Idk how many I’d have to drink now in order to get “high.”

Oh, and here’s a plus. Apparently I have autism, too. Because of my sensory and social issues. Yeah, I have sensory issues. Like, I can’t stand touching soft things (particularly fabrics) when my hands are all dry and/or pruny. And I tend to appreciate soft fabrics more than other people, I noticed. I guess it’s weird o_o.

So…that’s about it. I’m gonna try to post once a week, now. On -this- blog. I’ll focus on depression, but I’ll talk about other topics. Like my writing career (or therelackof). How’s that sound? Good?

 
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Posted by on January 26, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Anxiety and Anger

There have been some new developments in my depression since my last post. Oh, and yes, I gave up on the A-Z blogging. Sorry about that :(.
Anyway. There have been new developments. I don’t remember if I wrote anything about what I’m going to talk about, so I’ll just start from the beginning, anyway.  I do remember mentioning that increased anxiety has come with my depression. Well, it’s getting worse.
One day, something happened and I got very, very anxious at work. I couldn’t have a breakdown at work! I’d be sent home! Previously, my co-worker had told me she gets anxiety attacks and carries Xanax with her. She had offered it to me. So, that first day that I got anxious (not angry) at work, I went up to her and asked if I could have some. I know, I know. Naughty Lacey! I’m a very naughty girl XP. Anyway, it worked a little. I managed to calm a bit.
Maybe a week or so later, something triggered my temper. I was getting angrier and angrier. At customers! It was ridiculous. I needed to chill out before I burst into tears at work again. And what does Xanax do? That’s right! Chills you out! So I went back to my co-worker, who almost-reluctantly gave me a full pill. Again, it only worked a little. But it was enough to keep me mostly sensible for the rest of the day.
I decided then that I wanted Xanax. With my anxiety and anger, I needed help to control myself. So on my next visit to the doctor, I reluctantly told him about my illegal use of Xanax. He actually wasn’t angry. He said “OK,” and I got myself some anxiety pills. For five bucks! That’s less than my antidepressants! It’s very exciting.
I’m using the Xanax a lot more often, now. I don’t believe I’m getting addicted, though. It’s not like I need it every day or anything. Rather, I only take it when there’s been a trigger or potential trigger for anger or anxiety. Then again, these triggers are happening more often, now, too. But I still think I’m going to be OK.
These triggers can be anything. It’s impossible to tell what I will and won’t be able to handle. For example, a while ago my friend and neighbor asked me to watch her pets while she and her family were out of town. One of the pets was her kitten that was kept in her (big) cage while I wasn’t there. I thought I had done a pretty decent job. Cleaned the litter box every day, fed her, watered her, etc. She always made such a mess with the litter, but I didn’t think it would harm her. Just as long as I cleaned it out of the food and water when I got there. Well, my friend was quite surprised when she got home. The cat’s cage was filthy. There was poop and pee outside the litter box that I had not seen. Basically, I had done a horrible, horrible job.
My friend tried to emphasize, though, that I had loved, fed, and watered her very well. That of the top three issues (love, food/water, cleanliness), I had well accomplished two. She was still grateful, and told me she was more concerned about the cat I want to have in the future. I apologized profusely and went on with my day. I had errands to run.
I told myself it wasn’t that big a deal. I tried to shrug it off. The cat was safe, healthy, and I had still done an OK job. But for some reason, it kept bugging me. It bugged and bugged and bugged. Even the new dress I got that day didn’t stop the bugging. It got to the point where I was in the car and I decided I was not at all fit to drive. I took two Xanax.
I did just fine after that. Changed into my new dress, rushed off to work, etc. But then, several hours into my shift, it started bugging me again. I felt like I was going to cry. I took more Xanax and told the HR rep that I was feeling emotionally unstable. Unlike the last time I was emotionally unstable, though, she promised not to send me home! Instead, she said they would let me go to the bathroom and cry until I felt better if I needed to. That helped me feel better, too.
By the end of the night, I was feeling just fine and closed up the registers with a smile. Xanax is amazing.
But no, I promise I’m not using it to solve all my problems. One day, they were giving me grief at work about this and that, and I was unhappy where they had placed me for days on end. Then it was how those two issues connected. Where they place you greatly affects the stuff they give you grief about. And they were placing me at the register where it was near impossible to improve and get them off my back. All this was starting to make me very angry. But I didn’t take my Xanax yet. Instead, I shared my frustrations with another co-worker. She told me to tell my boss, and though I didn’t want to, I finally gave in and took her advice. Nothing was going to happen if I kept quiet, right?
I told my boss my frustrations. She talked to her boss. They gave some lame-ass excuse, but I started to feel a little better. I didn’t take any Xanax.
Later that day, I was still a little worked up. So little things were getting me off. It got to the point where I felt like I was going to cry, so I went back to my boss. This time, I didn’t let her go to her boss. I didn’t want to be a problem. But after I got it all out, y’know what happened? I felt 100% better for the rest of the day!
I think most of the problem with my anger is my inability to let it out. My parents tell me that I should never let work think things aren’t going well. That I’m unhappy. I have to smile and be cheerful and acting like I love my job all the time. But I just can’t do that. I’ve always worn my heart on my sleeve, and I simply can’t keep my emotions in. Otherwise, bad things happen. Like my anger building up from little things and unable to come out, so I burst into tears. I have to let it out.
TL;DR: I was naughty and used Xanax illegally, acquired it legally, and it’s made my life better, though I promise I’m not getting addicted. Also, I wear my heart on my sleeve and if I’m not allowed to, bad stuff happens.

 
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Posted by on June 21, 2013 in Depression

 

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