Tag Archives: antidepressants

Eat, Eat, Eat, Eat, Eat

All I do is eat, eat, eat, eat, eat. Seriously. Sometimes, it gets to the point where I’m force-feeding myself. Why? Because I have Asperger’s.

With my Asperger’s, I’m big on how things feel, physically and emotionally. And the physical and emotional often connect. I’ll get bored, or I’ll just get cravings, and nothing will satisfy me except eating whatever I’m craving. And that craving will be: chocolate, carbs, something-unhealthy-besides-chocolate, something-unhealthy-maybe-chocolate, hard-candy-like-lollipops, you get the idea. BTW, those are literally the words that go through my head when I’m craving.

I’ve tried doing other sensational things (or whatever the word is) before eating, to try and trick my brain into not wanting to eat anymore. Like petting the dog. I love petting the dog. But even that doesn’t compare to eating.

See, eating feels so good. Taste feels so good. Like, really freaking good. Imagine your favorite food, ever, of all time. Now multiply that sensation and satisfaction by ten. That’s probably what my least-favorite-but-still-like-it food does to me. I mean, I’m no shrink, but that’s what I’m guessing considering how freaking easy it is for everyone else to give up food compared to me. I. Can’t. Do. It.

“Oh, just do smaller portions.”

Where the fuck is the satisfaction in that?

I seriously want to cry right now. I just force-fed myself two PB&J sandwiches because I was just craving carbs. My mouth just wanted to chew something soft like that and my tongue just wanted to taste something nice like that (but, dear God, don’t suggest chewing fabric. I can’t stand fabric in my mouth. Bread and fabric are different. Idk how, but they are). I can never get enough. Even when my stomach is ready to burst.

I have no control. I used to have control. It used to be so much easier. Then I got depression and all went to Hell. Please, is there anyone that can help me?

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Posted by on March 17, 2015 in Uncategorized


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My Boyfriend’s Mother Hates Me

My boyfriend’s mother hates me. And we’ve only been dating less than three months. They had a fight this morning. She started going off about me. Probably about my weight. And how I’m probably encouraging him to gain weight. ‘Cause that’s what all fat people do, right?

I’m sorry if my weight offends you, Mrs. A, but it’s really none of your business. Neither is your 28-year-old son’s weight. At least, not when it’s just a little extra tummy weight.

I’ve struggled with food all my life. It’s not as easy-peasy for me as it was for you. Everyone’s different.¬†Yes, my antidepressants have something to do with my problems. But y’know what? Without those, I’d have killed myself by now. By¬†accident. I’d rather be fat than dead by my own hand. I dunno, those are my priorities. Maybe yours aren’t the same.

I’ve shown her nothing but respect, despite what I think of her. And I’ll continue to show her that. I’m writing this so that I don’t strangle her the next time I see her and she tries to start something. Which she probably will.

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Posted by on September 12, 2014 in Depression


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Things are Getting Better

Things are getting better. Slowly. Bumpily. I still have some down things. Still struggle with my parents sometimes. But it’s all getting better.

One of the biggest helps is my boyfriend. L has been promising that when I’m down, I can talk to him. I haven’t had an opportunity to take him up on that, but I’m certainly more comforted already. He’s amazing.

See, I was raised with the belief that I shouldn’t rely on anyone close to me that isn’t family. So a boyfriend? He should never know when I’m upset, basically. So although it shouldn’t, it kinda shocks me to hear all this from L. But it’s nice (:.

About that whole work situation. My boss tried to explain something to me about how it was connected with something else I had done wrong. I didn’t get it, so I was discussing it with a friend. She made it crystal clear. So . . . I’m not upset anymore. Because it’s all my own fault anyway and they should have fired me.

We think I have bipolar. That’s what’s causing the excessive spending. So I get to see a psychiatrist in a couple weeks. Kinda stoked to get a diagnosis. And then to get me on the right meds that’ll control my spending. Because I got a couple speeding tickets . . .

Well, I guess that’s all the news so far. May type up another post later. But probably not. Take care, all!

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Posted by on July 27, 2014 in Depression


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B for Blessing (I Wrote Another One)

The fact that I did everything that needed to be done before 6am, and I have today off of work, made me decide to write another “B” blog post. That’s allowed, right? I sure hope so…

Anyway. Depression is never a good thing. It’s a terrible, awful, miserable problem we humans face. But does it really have no good qualities at all?

I was talking with this lovely lady, andshe unintentionally made me realize something. By wishing away all that has made me depressed, I realized that I really am the happiest I’ve ever been in my whole life.

I always had a tendency toward depression. I was always miserable and looking on the dark side of things. But now? I really appreciate everything bright and happy about life. I’m cheerful and always look on the bright side, now. Look for the best in people. Yeah, there are bad days and bad moods. But they’re so much worth it. I’ve never been so happy.

So, in a way, my depression has been a blessing. Yeah, I went through some tough shit. But now I’m taking medications that make my life seem worthwhile. So today, I am thanking God for burdening me with depression. Without it, I’d still be a grumbling teenager.


Posted by on April 2, 2014 in Uncategorized


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