RSS

Tag Archives: ADD

I Love Myself cont

For those of you just tuning in, I had a huge realization last night. I realized that I actually do love myself. This is huge because I have spent my entire life in self-loathing and zero confidnece. When I started my journey to self-loving, I was kinda on my own. Which is how it’ll always be. You’ll have people to support you, maybe to tell you what to do, but you have to do all the work yourself. As a very lazy person by nature, this seemed like a very daunting task. Especially because I didn’t have a set of instructions of how to love yourself like I’m going to try to offer today. As an aspie with ADD, a set of instructions would have been awesome. Now, I’m still a work in progress for this loving yourself thing. I still hate my body, for example. But I’ve come so very far, and I’m sure I can help those of you that are not at my level yet.

At first, I wasn’t really sure if it was gonna work. I didn’t really think about that part. But I had learned that it was the only way I was going to be happy and have the kind of life I want for myself. And I was encouraged by seeing so very many people out there who had done so well. The steps I’m going to offer today are steps I think I took. I could be wrong, but it wouldn’t help to try them, right? I started near the end of high school, and I reached the point I’m at last night, at the age of 25. So if you try my steps, don’t worry if they’re taking a really long time to accomplish.

First of all, I had to be honest with myself about everything. As an aspie, this was very easy for me. It should also cause little trouble for you, because this first step doesn’t require any action. For example, I admitted to myself that I hold grudges. No, I didn’t like that about myself. But with the first step, I didn’t have to worry about doing anything about it. I merely had to be aware that that was something I did.

The second step is a million times more complicated it’s practice and/or acceptance. As a lazy person, I didn’t want to change my personality. Even though there was a lot about it that I didn’t like. This step took years upon years because it took a lot of observation and experience, instead of work, to do. See, luckily for me, I’m an inherently good person. That saved me a lot of work. Through this journey, I learned/accepted/decided that most of the things I didn’t like about myself–like my tendency to hold grudges–really weren’t that big a deal. For this specific example, I would tell myself and other people, “I am not God. I am not Jesus. I am not the Virgin Mary. I am a HUMAN, and as a human, it is ok to be imperfect.” choosing the road of acceptance, instead of change, seemed to make things easier on me, even though it took longer. As I matured, I learned how to treat people with respect and courtesy even when I was holding a grudge against them.

That leads into the longest, though not necessarily the hardest, step. Maturing. Growing up. Listening to people and reading blog posts like this. By nature, I have a tendency to turn down and invalidate people’s advice. “That won’t work for me because…”  While maturing, I taught myself to hold back those excuses. Then to think long and hard about the advice anyway. Eventually, I would begin to actually try the advice. Sometimes it was worth it. To grow up, you have to be open-minded. Yes, you are a unique individual. But that doesn’t mean that your self-loathing is so different from mine that it can’t be defeated like I’m slowly defeating mine.

Well, I guess I’ve explained it all as clearly as I can. I’m typing this on my phone as I think. I have no rough draft. So I’m going to say, now, that maturing is probably the most important part in this journey. You know how people older than you always tell you that they don’t care about other people anymore? If you continue to mature, you begin to realize why that’s so very true. You learn that other people don’t really matter. For example, my co-workers know I’m a ticking time bomb. It is impossible for them to tell if what they say or do will piss me off. But I’m a very hard worker. And after the anger subsides, I know how to treat them with respect and courtesy. So what if they think I’m psycho? That doesn’t affect me at all. Because I’m an adult and, as such, will still do my job. If they merely don’t like me just because of that, that’s their loss. Because this journey has taught what a beautiful person I really am. When I’m not being psycho :p.

Finally, I think you readers need to know what loving yourself really means. At first, I simply didn’t comprehend it. Was it love, like you love you significant other? Was it luv, like you luv your friends? Or maybe is it familial love? I’m pretty sure it’s quite different from all of those. But, at the level I’m at, it’s mostly like familial love. I am a member of my family, after all. Sometimes, it helps me to imagine myself as a little girl I am related to, and I just want to love her so very much. Because I know the ins and outs of that little girl. I know how she thinks, how she feels, and where she’s coming from. I know her needs, her wants, her aspirations. I know her heart.

Advertisements
 
Leave a comment

Posted by on September 21, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

E for Entertainment, F for Family, G for God

I’m doing awful with a-z this year D:. I barely have time to write my own blogs! Let alone go to other people’s! D:. I’m so sorry! I’m going to go to commenters’ blogs as soon as I possibly can, I promise!

E for Entertainment. This may be my ADD, but I almost always have to be entertained. Until recently, though, that was always super-easy. Until recently, when in doubt, I could always just close my eyes (or stare off in the distance) and daydream. I was always daydreaming. My stories, my future, even things that might happen as soon as later that day. This ability of mine was very helpful, especially because at work, I spend most of my time standing around waiting for customers. And on weekdays, business can be pretty slow.

Sadly, however, I seem to have lost this daydreaming ability. I’m hoping it’s because, A) my ADD meds seem to no longer be working, and/or B) I have nothing to daydream about. I’m reading historical fiction currently, and it doesn’t inspire much daydreaming out of me. And my future? Doesn’t look too promising right now :/. So I avoid thinking about it.

So what do I do? I read. Or listen to my book. When you get the kindle version of your book and the audible, your devices will keep track of where you left off on each version. So, for example, I can read half of chapter one, then skip right into listening to the other half. It’s fantastic!

F for Family. Family is numero uno in my life. Even before God. Sorry, but that’s how it is. People say that Asperger’s usually comes down in the family genes. Well, I can’t figure out where my Asperger’s came from. Neither of my parents show any signs. The only thing my mom has is that she moisturizes her hands once in a while with the Aveeno. I don’t think that’s anything.

We have a dog. A Lassie dog. I love to pet him. And I love him, of course. My counselor suggested petting him when I want to eat, to see if it’ll help curb my cravings. Didn’t work, but it was a good thought. Because I love petting the dog.

G for God. Basically, my religion post. Short and sweet, though. My dad grew up Lutherin, my mom Roman Catholic. My dad “converted” so that they could marry, and we were raised Roman Catholic. But, of course, my dad still had his Lutherin influence.

I’m excited to have my own kids for many, many reasons. One is so that, when I’m comforting them, I can finally say something like, “God will provide.” Because no one believes in God. So I can’t comfort anyone with that, when it would actually bring me a lot of comfort. My dad’s God speeches always made me feel better. Because I believe. When I have my own kids, I can raise them however I want. So I can tell them, “God will provide.”

But I don’t agree with most of the Bible or churches or whatever. I have my own belief system that is still Christianity and I like it how it is. BTW, I’m only a Christian because of Mary. I’m not too big on the Jesus thing, but I feel close to Mary and just can’t let her go :/. Lol.

Thanks for reading!

 
6 Comments

Posted by on April 8, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

On My Days Off

I love my days off. But there’s one thing about my days off that I hate. I. Can’t. Focus.

God knows I have a million and one things I want to do. I want to read, I want to write, I want to edit, I want to blog. But I sit down and start something, work on it for, like, a few minutes, then lose my focus and have to walk away. Even when I’m on my meds! Now, if I were being paid for it, I might be able to make myself focus. But this is for pleasure. So, I’m not going to make myself keep doing something when I stop feeling like it. But, why do I suddenly stop feeling like it? Even though I enjoy it thoroughly?

Then sometimes I can’t even start something because I just don’t feel like it. Like, seriously? You love doing those things, Lacey!

Then, when I’ve left my thing out of sudden disinterest, I wander around bored looking to settle my carb cravings, though trying really hard not to. Today, my mom was successful, for a couple hours, in getting me out of the house to pick up the cause of my carb cravings (medication) and some presents for international friends. Jesus, Hallmark is expensive.

Is this my ADD? Do I need my meds upped? I should ask my doctor. Because I hate spending my days off like this. Where most of the day is wandering around bored when there are a ton of entertaining things I could be and want to be doing.

 
1 Comment

Posted by on December 2, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

On Writing and Mental Health

I guest blogged on Maria Ann Green’s blog about how mental disabilities and illness have made me a great writer.

 
1 Comment

Posted by on November 20, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Ask Not What Your Country Can Do for You

In college, we read a book (well, a couple books) about a boy with autism. This one was called The Curious Case of the Dog in the Nighttime. I think. We were discussing it in class, and I made the mistake of expressing my honest opinion.

We were talking about his quirks and how they affected his daily life. The specifics that I remember are as follows: he didn’t like a certain color (yellow? Red?). So when he saw cars that color on the way to school, it was going to be a bad day. I also remember that he avoided touching the part of the train(?) ticket that was that color. This struck me differently than it struck everyone else. I said something like, “He needs to grow up and deal with these things. He can’t let those little things dictate his day or how he holds something. He can’t them affect him so much.”

Hate me yet? Hear me out.

Naturally, I was shot down. And I began to consider things a lot harder. But in the end, I have realized that I’m pretty much right. At least mostly.

Hear me out. As one with her own issues with mild autism and major ADD, I don’t expect the world to change for me just because I have these disabilities. I don’t expect people to understand or care. Part of being an adult, being a part of a group of people, is realizing that you’re not special. And I don’t mean that in a mean way. You are unique. People do love you for your uniqueness. But you can’t expect the world to cater to your disability. It’s great when it does, but you have to be able to deal when it doesn’t. Because nine times out of ten, it won’t. Especially for those “invisible” disabilities like ours. And why should it? How could it? Everyone is unique with unique needs. Life isn’t about making the world better for you. It’s like what JFK said. “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.”

I was raised being taught that I had to fight through my struggles to be, well, “normal.” Not necessarily conformed, but able to function in a world that doesn’t care about my disability (we only knew of one when I was growing up). A world that may or may not see me as my disability. A world that only sees and cares about what I bring to the table.

Life is about fighting through your issues, or maybe working with them, to bring something great and unique to the table.

I have specific examples. Remember how the character in the book didn’t like the certain color? And how he avoided touching that color on his ticket? I can relate, sorta. I never told anyone this until recently, but I have an issue with something happening to one side of my body and not the other. If I stomp my left foot, I have to stomp my right foot with exactly the same force. Otherwise I’ll just go crazy. But I never told anyone about it. I just dealt with it. I deal with it. And now that I’m growing up and realizing how unimportant that is, I’m making myself deal with one side being different from the other sometimes. That’s what I meant about the character growing up and dealing with it. Don’t let it affect you. Not even worth mentioning in even the most intimate conversations.

My personal issues with my body are so very unimportant. What is important? What I can give in spite of that. I don’t like my body being asymmetrical. But I’m over it enough that I’m able to type this out and share my thoughts with you all without worrying about the symmetry of my fingers.

I’m super-sensitive to touch. I can tell the softest spots of animals’ fur (their heads). And I -love- rolling on the ground petting my dog. I can give him the kind of attention and affection no one else can. If my hands are too try or even pruny, I can’t even touch soft things. It drives me nuts. And I can’t stand having sticky fingers.

I’m super-sensitive to taste. I can taste pretty much all the ingredients in a dish. I even taste the salt in chocolate chip cookies sometimes.

Life is about using these things to my advantage. And dealing with them when I can’t. Yes, I do cater to my issues sometimes. I put on moisturizer so I can touch things after showering. I do wash my hands when they’re sticky. But it’s really not as big a deal as it was made to be in the book. And it shouldn’t be. Because those things aren’t what’s important. What’s important is what I can do with or in spite of these issues. I don’t expect, or even want, the world to supply me with moisturizer for free or make a syrup that isn’t sticky for me. I want to give the world my ability to think about things almost too much. I want to give my experiences to teach others what I’m going through in life.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on April 10, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , ,