I Love Myself

So, the title is a little misleading. My loving of myself is a huge work in progress. But I think I’ve taken a huge step just now. I thinking back on a convo I had with my bf, LR, earlier. I told him something about something and added, “even if I don’t care to admit it.” He chuckled and said, “you just did.” Now, I’m thinking, ‘well, of course I did to you. I luv and trust you.’ I thought a little more and realized that admitting something to him also meant I had admitted it to myself. And, again, I thought, ‘well, of course I did.’ Cuz I love and trust myself, too. First of all, if I feel this way or that, but don’t want people to know, I’m obv not anyone that’s gonna go blabbing. But, more than that, I know I’m not going to judge myself, either. Because I know me, my personality, my thought process, and where I’m coming from. Above that, I’m practicing not judging people. It’s hard, because I’m a harsh and mean judger by nature. But my upbringing is really helpful in this area.

I’m tired, but I have more to say. Stay tuned. Gnite.

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Posted by on September 20, 2015 in Uncategorized


I Hope She’s Happy

Long story/rant ahead.

I’m 25 years old.

I had this best friend for 12+ years. Ever since seventh grade. We’ll call her K. She was in a car accident as a baby, so has a Traumatic Brain Injury (I’m gonna refer to it as TBI). Because of this, she’s not the brightest. Kinda really gullible. Apt to make bad choices and wrong decisions. People always teased her or hated her or both. So I’ve always been very protective of her. People would call her name in the hall and I would turn, wondering what the heck they wanted with my K. I’ve been by her side constantly. No matter what.

Her family’s kinda fucked up. Another reason I was always there for her. Her mother is batshit, and put my family through Hell. But I was still by K’s side.

When every single person in the world turned their backs on her, I was at her side.

I’m not saying I’m perfect. I’m not full of myself. But with my loyalty, I know that I am pretty fuckin’ awesome.

OK. So what am I going to rant about?

My boyfriend, LR, has very few friends around home. Literally, like, two. They’re a married couple, Sh (the woman) and D (the man). Soon after I met them, K was mentioned. K knows them because of the following situation: T went to high school with me and K. T is Sh’s brother. Obvs, D is T’s brother-in-law. So, K’s name was eventually brought up. Either Sh or LR or both told me at one point, “Oh, yeah, K, she tried to hook up with D once.” I was under the impression that K had tried to hook up with him while he was married. After the fiasco I’m going to tell you about, I learned that they were not married at the time. However, they were still a couple at the time.

Being the good, loyal friend I am, I thought I should tell K this awful rumor about her. At the same time, she was having a fight with this girl, C. I was mad at C, too, because I was reading the text messages between them and C was being ridiculous. K wanted to go to C’s house and yell at her. But I firmly said “no” many times. I told K to leave these things be.

Now, strike 1 for K. She then told me that she had screenshot a private convo between me and her and sent it to C, in which I called C a “stupid bitch.” As mad as I was at C, she was still my friend. Well, now C will never talk to me again. I was pretty pissed. But K coulda done worse. And, dear God, she certainly did.

That was when I told K about the rumor. She cried, blocked ppl on fb, etc. I was there to comfort her until she was sufficiently distracted. The next day, I’m at work, and LR texts me. “D just txted me, askin who started a rumor about he & K hookin up…?…” I rounded on K.

“Who did you tell about the rumor about you and D?”

She said she had called T. She wanted to get to the bottom of it and confront whoever had started it. I told her that she should have left it alone, that now she was starting drama, and now I was in trouble with LR’s only friends that matter. Oh, and, as I didn’t know until after the fiasco, she had called T IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT! She went on about how she had to stand up for herself and she was sick of people starting rumors and calling her names. I remind her that she got me in trouble with LR’s friends. She completely disregarded me. That was when I learned that D forgave me and understood that it was just K starting drama. I told K that we were damn lucky that D forgave me.

Strike two for K. She then starts to wonder why I had to apologize. It obvs had nothing to do with the fact that I told her the thing that started her on her drama llama venture. (That was sarcasm). She suddenly asks me if I lied to her the day before and started the rumor myself. Something in her gut told her I did. First I said “No.” Then, as I was typing another reply, she says, “OK I believe you.” I send something like, “Why would I do that?” She goes, “It’s just that you never own up to your mistakes, R, and you have to start. See? You’re avoiding the question.”

I told her no, I already answered it.

She ends with “OK, I believe you.” I left it at that. To think that I, of all people, would ever do that to her.

The next morning (or maybe it was that night but I was asleep), completely unprompted, she sends an apology. She says she really felt like an asshole. I left it for a couple hours. Asked LR’s advice. He basically told me to just forget her. But it was a really heartfelt apology without any prompting. So I went for the bait.

But I reminded her that she had put me in trouble with LR’s friends. She tried to insist that she didn’t know his friends until I finally, thoroughly explained who they are. Then she rounds her attack.

Final strike for K. The mother of all betrayals. She says something like, “I heard from this person who heard from that person that four years ago at T’s party you talked shit about me.” I barely got to say that I don’t even remember those people before she blocked me, saying I only hang with her whenever it’s convenient for me. Obvs it has nothing to do with the fact that I have a full-time job, I volunteer many hours editing fanfiction, and would like to spend time with my boyfriend (LR) whenever I actually have the time to (that’s sarcasm).

After everything I’ve ever done and tried to do for her, she throws me away in a temper tantrum. The only real friend she ever had.

She’s going to come crawling back eventually. She always does. But I’m not going to let her back in. Ever. I’m not God, I’m not Jesus, I can’t forgive people who do something like that to me or people close to me. I’m done with K. For good. She done fucked up and lost her only real friend she ever had forever. The one with the loyalty like a dog.

I hope she’s fuckin’ happy.

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Posted by on August 2, 2015 in Uncategorized


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Why I’m Not Allowed at My Boyfriend’s Place of Work

My boyfriend was transferred to a location closer to me (yay) in November to continue his manager training. At the coming of a new year, management of that location changed. To a woman. A woman who, I remember him telling me, seemed really fake all the time.

Well, time went on, and she seemed to prove herself good for the job, anyway. But. LR, my boyfriend, kept being pushed aside because of this, or that, or some other person (who happened to be a girl each time) needed to be focused on for her advancement into management.

Finally, his turn came. And, well, I love you, LR, but the truth is that he wasn’t doing too well. And to be honest, the store manager wasn’t giving him very many tips on how to improve. Just more chances. Finally, she suddenly learns about his Tourettes and Asperger’s. Boy, did she change her tune. Not long after that, doesn’t she go, “I don’t think you’re cut out for this”?

Then there’s this rumor that the store manager wants the store to be all run by women. As a feminist, all about equal rights for both genders, I’m kinda really furious. And praying that it’s not true. But it looks like it is. Because he’s been pushed aside and pushed aside and pushed aside, all for women.

But that’s enough about the store manager. Because the big ticket is another manager that’s there.

This girl, M, used to be super happy and excitable and friendly. Well, now she’s in training to be manager. And what’s she doing now?

This morning, she didn’t even say “hi” to LR when he greeted her to her face. She had him all by himself at a job when he obviously needed help (because it’s fast food. So, even if you’re good at something, you might need help if orders get too much), didn’t bother to notice he was in pain all day (but another manager DID notice), etc.

One of the complaints about LR at work is that he’s not loud enough. As a girl going half-deaf (not really, I just swear I am), I can attest to that. His voice is low. So he shouted something at M about an order. Later, she’s all, “You gave me attitude.” And he’s all, “You always complain I’m too quiet. And you didn’t even bother to say ‘hi’ to me, anyway.”

She treats him like dirt, is what I’m trying to say. I’m shocked. So shocked that I’m beyond pissed. I unfriended her from fb today because I was so not standing for this.

If I see M ever again, I’m going to rip her a new one. I swear to God, I am not OK with this and the Italian in me is going to stand up for my bf and not let this go by. To avoid this, however, and to avoid drama for him at his workplace, I’m not allowing myself there.

M chose a bad day to get on LR and my last nerves. I started the day pissed for some personal reasons, and ended the day pissed at the rudest customer ever. I may talk about her another time, though, because this post is about LR.


That is why I’m not allowed at my boyfriend’s place of work anymore.

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Posted by on July 8, 2015 in Uncategorized


Why I’m Covering My Hair Tomorrow

Cover Your Locks for Love

I’m not Jewish. Nor am I married. But I asked my Jewish friend, and was assured that I could still do this for her father, Yakov Ezra ben Regina. Her family is Jewish, and her father has been in a coma for almost two years. As I lay in bed trying to sleep, and thinking about how to make work let me do this, the nay-saying part of my brain came up with some pretty good questions.

Do you believe this will help?
I don’t really know.

Do you believe in the religion?
I mean, I don’t know enough about it. But I respect it.

How can this help if you don’t believe in it?
I hope it does help. If not, it doesn’t hurt to do something this harmless when someone you care about believes it will. But I really, really hope it’ll help.

She didn’t ask YOU to do it. It’s for married, Jewish women. Besides, covering your hair is totally against what YOU believe in, isn’t it?
I don’t know if it’s against what I believe in as a feminist. BUT I’m doing it in honor and out of respect for her, her father, and the Jewish community. And I’m partly hoping that it’ll start a conversation and make people aware of, not only a man in need of prayers, but of acceptance and embrace-ment of other cultures, religions, beliefs, etc.

You never even met him.
I don’t have to. He’s M’s father. He raised a wonderful woman. And they both deserve to spend more time together and with her brother.

All in all, this is all about Yakov Ezra ben Regina. I want him to get well. And I will do all I can to honor and help that man. Readers, I ask you to pray for him. In whatever way you pray, whomever you pray to, please, include him in your prayers. Thank you.

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Posted by on June 19, 2015 in Uncategorized


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You’re a Survivor

First of all, I know, I know, I know. It’s been forEVAR since I posted. Sorry. But this is on my mind right now, at 4:30am, and I can’t sleep, anyway. So, here it is.

So, I know this woman who was attacked maybe a year and a half ago or so. When she told me about it a couple months ago, she said something that worried me. And I wish I had said something then, but I think I might print this out and have her read it when she’s alone. If anyone reading this thinks that’s a good idea, let me know in the comments after reading. Or if you think it’s a bad idea. Just let me know your thoughts.

Anyway, she said, “Yeah, it’s embarrassing, but…” I thought, ‘Embarrassing? Oh, sweetie.’ See, you gotta see how I view it. This woman has survived what many people have not. She is thriving, yes, thriving in spite of what happened to her. And so are you, reader. You are stronger than you were before. Look how far you’ve come from that horrible act done upon you. Look how much you’ve succeeded in bringing yourself back to normalcy. No, you will never be the same as before. But that doesn’t mean you aren’t going back to normalcy.

As an outsider and an acquaintance, it looks like this woman has already come back to normalcy. In just a year! That’s unbelievable, imo. I never would have guessed that she had ever experienced that. It’s something to celebrate.

I was never physically attacked. But I was emotionally destroyed. Long story short, I was made to see my entire future burn before my eyes (metaphorically). And was told, “It’s not burning. It’s going in a different direction.” Bullshit. My world came crashing down and I fell into depression and overeating. It’s been three years and I’m still not back to normalcy. My meds still aren’t fully figured out and I’m fat as fuck.

But, I am a survivor. Like you, I have fought against the desire to hurt myself. The desire to treat myself like shit. We’re not perfect at it, I know. We have bad days. We have days where we break our stand and give up. But, if you’re reading this, know that we have never given up entirely. You and I, us survivors, we’ve made it through this far. You may have a long way to go, but look how far you’ve come.

I hope these words have helped you, reader. And I think they may help the woman I know. But I don’t want to dig up the past on her, either. If she’s embarrassed, she might be embarrassed to know that I think about it, and her, every now and again. BUT I’m a nice person and that niceness inside me just wants spill over and give her something to smile about. To help her change her view about herself, maybe. Idk, what do you guys think?

PS, if you ever need someone to talk to, e-mail me. It may take me a while to get back to you, but I will.

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Posted by on June 3, 2015 in Uncategorized


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H for Help, I for Ignorance, and J for Jokes

…Aaaand still behind. Thanks for all the support, though!!!~

H for Help. I was lucky. I got a lot of help in school because of my ADD. Actually, I got a bit too much help. To the point where I would get out of doing work. All I had to say was “It’s too hard,” and they would help me, and I didn’t have to think very hard. My parents tried to have that not happen. But they can only do so much to influence what happens in the classroom, y’know? But the extra time for tests and the like, that helped a lot.

Nowadays, I get help in the forms of my counselor, my parents, and my boyfriend. I’m learning more and more about myself and how this or that “is an Aspie thing,” and I shouldn’t feel bad about myself because of it. I’ve often thought I was weird or something because of this or that. So it feels good to know. And now that we know, we’re working on ways to help me in other areas, too. Like my eating.

I for Ignorance. I’m beginning to feel the ignorance around me, however. With my coworkers, mostly. They don’t understand certain things about me. Like how I have systems for things. And how those systems have to be done correctly. They don’t understand that I don’t understand the social cues. That lots of times, my mind goes blank and I have no idea what to say or how to express myself. Their ignorance ties in with…

J for Jokes. I’m really just talking about just one coworker, here. We’ll call him F. F likes to joke around. A lot. He finds all my buttons and presses them. Hard. And I can’t tell if he’s joking or not because he doesn’t use a joking voice. Not an obvious one, anyway, like I do. He doesn’t laugh when he’s pulling the joke, either. And he jokes about things you really shouldn’t joke about. Like joking that he got the open boss position and he was going to fire me. So, I’m just inclined to think he’s a jerk that doesn’t know when to keep his trap shut. But I’ll work with him, anyway. And when he’s being obvious about his jokes, I’ll laugh. Because I’m an adult, and we have to work together. So, there.

Thanks for reading!


Posted by on April 12, 2015 in Uncategorized


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Terry Trueman

So, I go on Twitter sometimes. Just to amuse my boredom, mostly. But I also use it for the #pitmad (pitch madness), connecting with writers/friends, and connecting with authors of books I like. Like, OMG, twice, now, I’ve tweeted with Elizabeth Chadwick about her books. *Mandatory starstruck squeal* But it gets even better. I’ve also tweeted with Terry Trueman.

Now, I’m not saying Terry Trueman is better than Elizabeth Chadwick. I haven’t tried simple “chatting” with her. Terry Trueman, however…

This amazing author of Stuck in NeutralCruise Control, and a number of other AWESOME books I have yet (but really want) to read, is just the best role model for writers like me. Why? Because of how he takes criticism. See, the first time we tweeted each other, it started with me calling him out on something on his Twitter that I thought was inappropriate. I can’t remember the rest of the conversation, but what was the result? A follow! And a new chatting buddy! *Mandatory starstruck scream*

The second time, today, I was totally teasing him about something on his Twitter and he took it perfectly in stride. We chatted a little about it, and then he thanked me! Ahhhhhhhhhh~

So, I may be a little drunk on starstruck-juice, but I know that later I’ll still be saying that Terry Trueman really is a remarkable author with a great attitude. He’s definitely one of my role-models. And, of course, my new fave author evar.

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Posted by on April 12, 2015 in Uncategorized


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