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Leaving

This blog is closing. I have a stalker now. Someone has viewed my blog 53 times today, and it was just one person. WordPress refuses to tell me who this person is. Nor will it let me actually block my stalker. But I have a good idea of who you are, stalker, and you need to go fuck yourself. Thanks to this stalker, I can’t tell any of my friends on here how to get a hold of me. So, again, stalker. Go fuck yourself. All my lovely followers, unfollow me right now. Thanks to this stalker, I will never be able to come back here again. Goodbye, lovelies. I’ll miss you. Oh, and, stalker, go fuck yourself.

 
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Posted by on October 22, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

I’m Gonna Lose My Job (Again?)

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I mean, I kinda say this on a daily basis. “I’m going to get fired today.” But for good reason. I have reached my limit of taking bullshit. Mostly at work. Mostly with bosses and co-workers. Most recently, my immediate boss. She hasn’t even been in our store a year, but she got the job over me, who has been there for over three years. OK, OK, she has experience being in that position. Whatever.

In our store, we have this one register, home fashions, that gets few to no customers. So we sometimes just leave it closed/locked. If you’re the one scheduled to be at that register for the day, but there is no floater to cover lunches, then it’s your job to lock up the registers and cover lunches. Simple as that. It’s been that way the whole time I’ve been there. Well, one day, I was scheduled to be at that register, and there was no floater for lunches. My boss, R, called me on the work phone and said, “I know I didn’t say it on the [control/schedule] sheet, but you cover lunches today, OK?”

…Seriously? I’ve been here a shitton longer than you. I KNOW my fucking job.

OK, OK, that’s not too awful bad. But she does this shit all the time. Directing us and telling us what to do when we already know what the fuck to do.

The other day, I had a customer issue that I literally could not solve with my status as lowly little cashier. I needed a manager to handle it. So, I called a manager over. She calls the phone and asks what the problem is, etc. I can’t explain it very well because I have a line. She goes, “can’t you solve it yourself?”

…Now I’m pissed. I’ve been here over three years doing the same thing the whole time. If I could solve it myself, YES, I would fucking solve it myself. I’ve solved many a complicated issue in my time. On top of that, you’re my manager. If I need you, you fucking COME  OVER, no questions asked. That’s your job.

Oh, but it gets better.

We have this new girl, A. She’s naturally shy and anxious, and she took this job to improve her social skills and confidence. At the beginning of her FOURTH week (two of which were training), R goes up to her and says something along the lines of “Are you comfortable pitching credit? Because if you’re not, I need to know so I can schedule other people.” Are you fucking shitting me? This poor HIGH SCHOOL girl is working so hard to improve her shyness and come out of her shell, and you threaten to cut her hours because she’s STILL practicing pitching credit with confidence? That’s NOT how you encourage your cashiers to perform.

And now the icing on the cake. That’s right, R LIED to me.

The other day, one of the registers started massively slowing down. So I turned it off and turned it back on. On the first or second transaction, it started slowing down again. So I got a hold of R. She told me to turn it off and then back on again. I told her I already did and it still did this. So she told me to close it down properly for the rest of the day. I did. My back was turned helping a member, and when I was done, the bad computer had been TURNED BACK ON!!!

My other co-worker, Ax, told me that she thought R did it, because she was sure that neither she nor A had. Because all four of us had been at the register area. So, I’m fuming, and I made a HUGE-ASS sign. The one you see above. Laughed my ass off. Customer accused me of having weed. All good fun.

I then got to talk to A again. She told me that she saw R turn the computer back on. So now I’m furious.

Finally, R sees the sign. She asked me, “Who did that?.”

“Me.”

“Why?”

“Because someone turned it back on.”

“Who?”

I’ll let that sink in.

WHO?

WHO!!???

YOU, YOU FUCKING CUNT!!! DON’T GO AROUND TRYING TO LIE TO ME!!!!

OK, so. I have gone to the store manager twice about her. She forces us to go on 15-minute breaks when she tells us to. She plays favorites. K and Q take, oh, hour long lunch breaks. Half-hour 15s. She doesn’t bat an eye. I take a 15 right after my lunch (which no one had ever, ever told me was not allowed), and she yells at me. And not for the real reason you’re not supposed to do that. Because “they have to go in order.” Whoever went to lunch first takes their 15 first. Which is total bs because no one else gives a single fuck who goes on their 15 when. And, no, it is not an actual rule. It’s a “her” rule.

K often takes her lunch last, but she is the first to leave for the day. An hour before everyone else. How fucked up is that? Just because she gets tons of credits and is spoiled as shit and always gets her way. Oh, let’s not forget she’s late almost every fucking morning. She just likes taking her lunch late.

The store manager just brushes all my complaints aside. The first time, he said he would talk to her. That was at least a month ago, if not longer. Nothing has changed.

Every single thing that I have been told is expected of me coming into her position at a different store, she does the complete opposite. God forbid she ever have to cover any of her cashiers for any sort of break, or check out any customers out unless she can tell just by looking at them that they’ll get credits. I swear to God. She takes most weekends off, when we need her the most. Most holidays, she’s off.

I have had enough. I am literally about to blow up at R almost every single day I see her. Which is why I’m about to lose my job pretty much every single day. The store manager is NO help.

So, what did I do? Why might I lose my job even on my day off?

🙂

I called my store manager’s boss.

He’s coming to the store next week.

I can’t fucking wait.

🙂

 
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Posted by on October 13, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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#Loveme Challenge Day 1

Just got acquainted with a2eternity and found this on her blog. Immediately, I’m like, “I NEED THIS!!!~” So thanks, a2eternity :). I’m gonna start right now.

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I’m doing this challenge because I am still struggling with loving myself. I mean, I’ve got it pretty much down. But loving my body? Not so much. I’ma hope this challenge strengthens every part of loving myself :).

I’ve spent my whole life hating myself. Just what came natural for me. It’s easier to hate yourself than to love yourself. And, honestly, I’m a pretty lazy person. I’ll always choose the easy way out. But hating myself? That’s just not working anymore. I have to work a little harder, now.

 
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Posted by on September 29, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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You Don’t Know a Damn Thing About a Book by its Cover

After I finally decided to leave the pointless fight about feminism on youtube, I get another freaking notification from someone else on the same video on the same comment. In the comment, I told the youtuber that I, as a fat woman, appreciated the video. This new person goes “you choose to be unhealthy, hahaha.”

Like, seriously?

Seriously.

I think the youtuber in the video even MENTIONS how you can’t tell a person’s health by looking at them.

Not that this person really gave a fuck about my health.

Just because someone is fat, doesn’t mean they’re unhealthy. Just because someone’s thin, doesn’t mean they’re healthy. You don’t know shit about a person by just looking at them.

Let’s say the fat person does happen to be unhealthy. Do you know why? You don’t know shit that’s going on in a person’s life. Personally, I have PCOS, which makes it 10x harder to lose weight right at the start. Then, I’m kinda really struggling with my mental health right now. I’d rather be certain I won’t kill or hurt myself before I even try to bother with my weight. Trust me, my mental unhealth will kill me sooner than my body’s will.

I hate exercise with a seething passion. Y’know that whole endorphin bullshit they talk about when you exercise? Idk about you, but for me, it’s bullshit. I don’t get happy when I exercise. I get exhausted, out of breath, sweaty and gross, and miserable. Even if I just walk the dog around the block. It’s still exercise, it’s still work, and I still come back exhausted, out of breath, sweaty and gross, and miserable.

Food is wonderful. I think my tastebuds are a little extra sensitive, which is possible because I may have Asperger’s. So when I love a food, I LOOOOOOOOOVE it. When I hate a food, I hate that shit and can’t eat it at all. Food is a comfort and a pastime. It’s for celebrations, comforting, anything. And I’m always hungry. I HATE being hungry. Hate, hate, hate. Can’t stand it. Used to be able to ignore it, but that was when I had stronger reasons not to eat. Now, I have food right in the kitchen. Or right down the street that I can bring home for now and later.

Why the Hell should I bother to try and lose weight when my body’s working against me from the beginning (PCOS), I hate exercising, and food brings me so much joy? Because my body will kill me if I keep going this way? What’s the point of living longer if the quality of my life is brought down like that?

I absolutely hate, hate, HATE trying to regulate myself. I don’t want to have to bother or worry. Nor do I want to be different from everyone else. Everyone else can do whatever the fuck they want. They don’t have to regulate themselves like I would have to.

Happiness is so hard for me to grasp these days. I hold on tight to the happiness I can get. And a lot of the time, that’s food.

I can’t make myself do things I don’t want to. I have no motivation. What’s the point? It’s not going to make me feel better. I’ve tried. So what’s the point?

Anyway, why the Hell did the fat-mocker think it was OK to laugh at me? Why is it EVER OK to laugh at someone who’s different from you? Who makes different choices from you? It’s NEVER OK.

Then the original asshole, the anti-feminism one, told the fat-mocker that I’m a stereotypical feminist that deletes things I don’t like. Listen here, fucker. I reported those comments because they were HARASSMENT. Why are you sticking around talking shit about me? Are you really in so much need of self-verification and ego-boosting? Pathetic.

Fuck Youtube. This is why I never leave comments on there.

 
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Posted by on September 29, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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I’m Fat. Sooo… All I Care About is That I’m Not Fuckable?

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Remember that “comedian” chick that “made fun of” fat people recently? Yeah. So I was browsing Laci Green’s vids, cuz she’s my absolute fave, and was interested in her vid about jokes. I thought it was only gonna be about rape jokes. But she mentions fat jokes and talks about all offensive jokes as a whole. I was ecstatic.

I’m fat. Ever since puberty hit, I’ve been fat. So my fave youtuber ever made a response, though not directly, to all those fat shamers. I wrote a comment thanking her for making the vid. I mentioned that I was a fat woman. A couple days later, I see a response to my comment. It’s the comment you see in the screenshot above. If you don’t remember what he said, please take a second to re-read it.

There are so many reasons this asshole is an idiot. First of all, he assumes that my problem with my weight (if I had one, hows he to know?) is solely the fact that men don’t find me attractive. Before my bf came around, that was only a small part of the problem. Very small. Like, before I met LR, I figured guys who judged me on my weight were at a loss. Cuz I already knew I’d be a great partner.

My problem is SOCIETY. Every person, male or female, who fat shames. Because those fat shamers don’t help with my own struggle to love my fat body. They shame other people for being different and “disgusting.” They don’t know the fat person’s story. What’s going on in his/her life. What’s going on in his/her BODY. Every body is different.

Then he thinks that all I care about is being fucked by men. What if I was bi or gay? But I’m not so I’ll just leave that.

As it happens, I’m very uncomfortable with sex. So the idea that I crave to be fucked by every guy in the whole world is kinda contradicting.

Also, as it happens, I do have a boyfriend who fucks me whenever we get the chance. Why would I want to be fucked by anyone else? Especially considering my boyfriend is intelligent enough to know that what’s inside my fat body is a million times more important. And evolved enough to love what’s inside my fat body a million times more than said fat body. So, again, why would I want anyone else to fuck me?

Finally, he seems to think I want to kill or castrate all men. That’s kinda a stupid belief, because doing so would kinda ruin the whole reproduction and species survival things :/…

Anyway, where did he get all these assumptions about me? Because all I did was inform Laci that I’m fat and, as a fat woman, really appreciate the video.

Wtf?

 
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Posted by on September 22, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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I’m Fat. Sooo… All I Care About is That I’m Not Fuckable?

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Remember that “comedian” chick that “made fun of” fat people recently? Yeah. So I was browsing Laci Green’s vids, cuz she’s my absolute fave, and was interested in her vid about jokes. I thought it was only gonna be about rape jokes. But she mentions fat jokes and talks about all offensive jokes as a whole. I was ecstatic.

I’m fat. Ever since puberty hit, I’ve been fat. So my fave youtuber ever made a response, though not directly, to all those fat shamers. I wrote a comment thanking her for making the vid. I mentioned that I was a fat woman. A couple days later, I see a response to my comment. It’s the comment you see in the screenshot above. If you don’t remember what he said, please take a second to re-read it.

There are so many reasons this asshole is an idiot. First of all, he assumes that my problem with my weight (if I had one, hows he to know?) is solely the fact that men don’t find me attractive. Before my bf came around, that was only a small part of the problem. Very small. Like, before I met LR, I figured guys who judged me on my weight were at a loss. Cuz I already knew I’d be a great partner.

My problem is SOCIETY. Every person, male or female, who fat shames. Because those fat shamers don’t help with my own struggle to love my fat body. They shame other people for being different and “disgusting.” They don’t know the fat person’s story. What’s going on in his/her life. What’s going on in his/her BODY. Every body is different.

Then he thinks that all I care about is being fucked by men. What if I was bi or gay? But I’m not so I’ll just leave that.

As it happens, I’m very uncomfortable with sex. So the idea that I crave to be fucked by every guy in the whole world is kinda contradicting.

Also, as it happens, I do have a boyfriend who fucks me whenever we get the chance. Why would I want to be fucked by anyone else? Especially considering my boyfriend is intelligent enough to know that what’s inside my fat body is a million times more important. And evolved enough to love what’s inside my fat body a million times more than said fat body. So, again, why would I want anyone else to fuck me?

Finally, he seems to think I want to kill or castrate all men. That’s kinda a stupid belief, because doing so would kinda ruin the whole reproduction and species survival things :/…

Anyway, where did he get all these assumptions about me? Because all I did was inform Laci that I’m fat and, as a fat woman, really appreciate the video.

Wtf?

 
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Posted by on September 22, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

I Love Myself cont

For those of you just tuning in, I had a huge realization last night. I realized that I actually do love myself. This is huge because I have spent my entire life in self-loathing and zero confidnece. When I started my journey to self-loving, I was kinda on my own. Which is how it’ll always be. You’ll have people to support you, maybe to tell you what to do, but you have to do all the work yourself. As a very lazy person by nature, this seemed like a very daunting task. Especially because I didn’t have a set of instructions of how to love yourself like I’m going to try to offer today. As an aspie with ADD, a set of instructions would have been awesome. Now, I’m still a work in progress for this loving yourself thing. I still hate my body, for example. But I’ve come so very far, and I’m sure I can help those of you that are not at my level yet.

At first, I wasn’t really sure if it was gonna work. I didn’t really think about that part. But I had learned that it was the only way I was going to be happy and have the kind of life I want for myself. And I was encouraged by seeing so very many people out there who had done so well. The steps I’m going to offer today are steps I think I took. I could be wrong, but it wouldn’t help to try them, right? I started near the end of high school, and I reached the point I’m at last night, at the age of 25. So if you try my steps, don’t worry if they’re taking a really long time to accomplish.

First of all, I had to be honest with myself about everything. As an aspie, this was very easy for me. It should also cause little trouble for you, because this first step doesn’t require any action. For example, I admitted to myself that I hold grudges. No, I didn’t like that about myself. But with the first step, I didn’t have to worry about doing anything about it. I merely had to be aware that that was something I did.

The second step is a million times more complicated it’s practice and/or acceptance. As a lazy person, I didn’t want to change my personality. Even though there was a lot about it that I didn’t like. This step took years upon years because it took a lot of observation and experience, instead of work, to do. See, luckily for me, I’m an inherently good person. That saved me a lot of work. Through this journey, I learned/accepted/decided that most of the things I didn’t like about myself–like my tendency to hold grudges–really weren’t that big a deal. For this specific example, I would tell myself and other people, “I am not God. I am not Jesus. I am not the Virgin Mary. I am a HUMAN, and as a human, it is ok to be imperfect.” choosing the road of acceptance, instead of change, seemed to make things easier on me, even though it took longer. As I matured, I learned how to treat people with respect and courtesy even when I was holding a grudge against them.

That leads into the longest, though not necessarily the hardest, step. Maturing. Growing up. Listening to people and reading blog posts like this. By nature, I have a tendency to turn down and invalidate people’s advice. “That won’t work for me because…”  While maturing, I taught myself to hold back those excuses. Then to think long and hard about the advice anyway. Eventually, I would begin to actually try the advice. Sometimes it was worth it. To grow up, you have to be open-minded. Yes, you are a unique individual. But that doesn’t mean that your self-loathing is so different from mine that it can’t be defeated like I’m slowly defeating mine.

Well, I guess I’ve explained it all as clearly as I can. I’m typing this on my phone as I think. I have no rough draft. So I’m going to say, now, that maturing is probably the most important part in this journey. You know how people older than you always tell you that they don’t care about other people anymore? If you continue to mature, you begin to realize why that’s so very true. You learn that other people don’t really matter. For example, my co-workers know I’m a ticking time bomb. It is impossible for them to tell if what they say or do will piss me off. But I’m a very hard worker. And after the anger subsides, I know how to treat them with respect and courtesy. So what if they think I’m psycho? That doesn’t affect me at all. Because I’m an adult and, as such, will still do my job. If they merely don’t like me just because of that, that’s their loss. Because this journey has taught what a beautiful person I really am. When I’m not being psycho :p.

Finally, I think you readers need to know what loving yourself really means. At first, I simply didn’t comprehend it. Was it love, like you love you significant other? Was it luv, like you luv your friends? Or maybe is it familial love? I’m pretty sure it’s quite different from all of those. But, at the level I’m at, it’s mostly like familial love. I am a member of my family, after all. Sometimes, it helps me to imagine myself as a little girl I am related to, and I just want to love her so very much. Because I know the ins and outs of that little girl. I know how she thinks, how she feels, and where she’s coming from. I know her needs, her wants, her aspirations. I know her heart.

 
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Posted by on September 21, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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