Things are Getting Better

Things are getting better. Slowly. Bumpily. I still have some down things. Still struggle with my parents sometimes. But it’s all getting better.

One of the biggest helps is my boyfriend. L has been promising that when I’m down, I can talk to him. I haven’t had an opportunity to take him up on that, but I’m certainly more comforted already. He’s amazing.

See, I was raised with the belief that I shouldn’t rely on anyone close to me that isn’t family. So a boyfriend? He should never know when I’m upset, basically. So although it shouldn’t, it kinda shocks me to hear all this from L. But it’s nice (:.

About that whole work situation. My boss tried to explain something to me about how it was connected with something else I had done wrong. I didn’t get it, so I was discussing it with a friend. She made it crystal clear. So . . . I’m not upset anymore. Because it’s all my own fault anyway and they should have fired me.

We think I have bipolar. That’s what’s causing the excessive spending. So I get to see a psychiatrist in a couple weeks. Kinda stoked to get a diagnosis. And then to get me on the right meds that’ll control my spending. Because I got a couple speeding tickets . . .

Well, I guess that’s all the news so far. May type up another post later. But probably not. Take care, all!

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Fuck. This. Life.

I’m losing it. Totally and completely losing it. I’m getting closer and closer to suicide every day. This fucking life, man. What’s the fuckin’ point?

I got a bad review from a customer at work. The store manager was really mad because of a single incident in which I didn’t do my best and I can’t even remember this incident, by the way. But whatever. I don’t care.

Now I’m in real trouble. This crazy-ass, rude-ass bitch gave me another bad review. The store manager is pissed. This bitch said this and that about me where the only mistake I made was that I didn’t call a shoe associate and that was because I was confused.

TWO bad reviews in a row. OH MY GOD! HOW TERRIBLE! HOW ABSOLUTELY HORRIFIC!!! Something’s wrong with that girl!

I’ve been there for two fucking years. Do you know how many people leave my register happy? And then DON’T do the feedback I ask them to? I’m close to losing my job because of two minor mistakes.

But this is how corporations are. No matter where I go, that’s what I’m going to get. I learned that from my dad and the shitty-ass company he worked for. I wanted to ask him how he dealt with it. But I know how. He had a family to worry about. I have no family that needs my support. It’s just me. So why the fuck should I deal with this shit?

 

Relief!

Today, I received such a big relief that I cried. Of course, that had nothing to do with the fact that I didn’t take my meds yesterday…>>.

Ever since I got out of college, I’ve had some really bad impulse problems. I just buy stuff that I want. And buy and buy and buy. And I’m too happy to have the item to return it. Ever since I was a kid, I was able to control these impulses that probably came from ADD. But then I left college, and I was earning my own money, and I wanted to use that money on me. Me, me, me.

Well, now I’m behind on bills and my parents are screaming at me every day for one financial screw-up after another. Finally, they decided to call the doctor.

I went it today. I talked and talked and talked. He said that I seem to be under a lot of pressure because of how much I talked. I told him that I just plain love to talk. But he could be right. I do feel a lot of pressure. Mostly from my parents, but whatever.

In the end, he said I may have some OCD or Bipolar. Either way, I’m misdiagnosed and need to be medicated differently. He’s currently working on getting a psychiatrist to work with him and me.

Can I say RELIEF? All this time, everyone thought it was just me being immature and not taking control of myself because I was lazy. But I really do have a problem. It has nothing to do with me being immature or lazy. Oh, I cried and cried. I’m so happy, now.

He said that he sees a miserable cycle going on in my life. I don’t have a good job because I don’t have the right degree. I can’t get the right degree because I don’t have the money to go back to school. I don’t have the money because I don’t have a good job. He said I’m being overworked and under-appreciated. That is, working my ass off for little more than minimum wage. I think he said something about the pressure from my parents, too, but I can’t be sure about that part.

Anyway, I wanted to share my relief with you all. I’m not just some lazy, impulsive, immature young woman. I’m a woman with impulsivity problems that need to be fixed. Ahhhh~