Monthly Archives: February 2014

The Seed

A seed of hatred and resentment for my parents has come into existence within me, and is beginning to bury itself. Why? Because these past few days have been absolutely awful. The other day, I really needed to go home from work. And what do my parents say about that? “Suck it up.”

OK, if I work to the point where I throw up at work, I think I suck things up pretty much all the time. There is such thing as a breaking point, and I hit it that day. And my parents don’t care.

Yes they do.

No, they don’t.

Of course they do.

If they cared, they would be doing research on depression. On how I’m feeling. They would listen to me. They would ask for help.

They’re doing what they think is right.

Well, they have to admit to themselves that they’re wrong and look for help. They don’t want to believe that something’s wrong with their daughter. But there is, and they have to deal with it.

My meds aren’t working. I wanted to get off Sertreline so bad. But it seems to be the only thing that actually works. I think this is one time I will allow myself to say: fml.

Things were going so great. I was in such a good mood the day I forgot my meds. Then, the three days after, I’ve been absolutely awful. The only thing that makes sense is that my body wants Sertreline.

But let’s put some good news in here. My grandmother passed away recently. I asked my mom what was going to happen to her necklace, ’cause I kinda really wanted it. Well, my grandmother was my mom’s step-mother. She had three boys of her own, though. So my mom went to the boys and asked them. It was a unanimous “yes!” So I got my grandmother’s necklace for Valentine’s day (:.

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Posted by on February 18, 2014 in Uncategorized


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My counselor made an interesting point in our session today. Sometimes, when people are angry because they have no control over the situation, they go try to do something they do have control over. How does this translate to me? Let me elaborate.

I was in a situation with the assistant store manager where he pissed me off. What did I do about it? Absolutely nothing. Nada. Zilch. I didn’t do anything. How could I? He’s my boss. I had no control over the situation. Just let him make his snide comments and berate me. This happens all the time. I get angry at the higher-ups. But there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it. So what do I do to get control over a situation? I shop.

When I’m shopping, I’m using my money to buy my things. The customer is always right, so I have the power in a me-shopping situation.

I don’t wanna think about myself doing something as low as looking for power. But it could be true. I could be that low. I mean, I’m struggling so much with all the basic things. Basic emotions, basic chores. I still haven’t done my laundry, yet. I’m trying to talk into it right now. The stupid yawning isn’t helping.

Anyway. I realize there are lots of times I imagine having the power when I feel like I never will. And I never do. I always cave in and let the other person take over. It’s just easier. I hate confrontation. Usually because I think too slowly to take control of the situation. But as a shopper, it doesn’t matter how long it takes me to think. I’m still the boss.

So it can’t just be that shopping makes me happy. Because lots of times it doesn’t make me happy immediately. I’m often upset at spending the money that I don’t have. I’m not happy until later when there’s nothing more I can really do about it, anyway. There has to be more to it.

My counselor told me to let my anger out creatively. See, you might not believe it knowing me, but I have a lot of anger. I never show it. I was taught that it was wrong to do so. I was shamed for doing it. So my counselor told me to let it out in a short story. A story where the character representing me takes control of the situation. Kicks the other person’s ass. Stuff like that. Sounds good to me.

How do you let out your anger? Were you ever told that it’s wrong to let it out? Were you ever shamed for doing so?

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Posted by on February 10, 2014 in Uncategorized


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I stopped posting because I thought maybe I was posting too much. But now I realize it’s been seven days since I posted. So…I think I’ll post, now.

Things are going OK. I spent a morning without any energy drinks. It went well (:. The next day, I had a migraine all day. I drank an energy drink and some Pepsi trying to get caffeine in me, hoping that it was a caffeine withdrawal I was suffering. It didn’t work. So I took more asprin than I was supposed to. Don’t do that. I felt like I was going to die. Buuuuut…the migraine eventually went away! So I was able to make the trip to the B&N in the next town over for a writing group meeting. It went great! I had so much fun! And I got some writing done and some great feedback.

Today sucked. I had a bit of a headache all day despite all the caffeine I downed. But it was manageable. What sucked was that we had a visitor in the store. So my boss called me over to the register before I was even on the clock! Then when I got there, they all just walked away. It was like, “wtf did you call me over for?” So then all the little things bothered me all day. But I got three credits, baby!

So, life without Sertreline is going OK so far. But I’ve still been a little down so my counselor thinks I could have Serotonin Syndrome. That’s when I have too much Serotonin in my brain and it makes me feel down instead of up. We’ll have to see how I’m feeling in a week to figure that out.

I’m excited to get off my Abilify soon. Yes, it saved my life at school. But it’s also expanding my waistline and I don’t like that. Hopefully, once I’m off it, I’ll be able to lose weight. I hope. And then, I’ll only be on two antidepressants instead of three or four! Whee!

Well, that’s about it. I hope ya’ll have a good night!

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Posted by on February 7, 2014 in Uncategorized


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