Monthly Archives: January 2014

Feeling a Little Down…

I’m feeling down today. I overslept, so I didn’t get to shower. So I feel all dirty right now. It started at lunchtime. Sometimes when I go shopping on my lunch break, I get worked up and almost give myself an anxiety attack. That’s what happened today. It doesn’t really matter what I got myself worked up about. Point is, I started getting worked up. I took a couple Xanax to help me stay calm. But I was still down.

But there is good news. I was happy and energetic this morning after I finished my energy drinks. And yesterday was fantastic. Even though the jerks at work stuck me at the slowest register because I’m doing pretty badly in selling credit cards. But even that seems to be going up. I was at 300% yesterday. And 400% today! It’s exciting. Also, yesterday, a random customer (ahem, member) called my pretty :). “How pretty you are.” It kinda made my day.

So now I’m sitting here waiting for the water to boil, petting the dog. I love this dog. He’s such a sweetie. Even though there was only ever one time when he seemed to sense my feelings. But that’s OK. He’s really lovey all the time. So if I’m feeling down, I’ll just go and pet him and he’ll love it.

Oh, and I went to a writing group last night. Unfortunately, I was so exhausted I had to leave early. But I got some great feedback on my writing. So it was great. One of the guys from the group recognized me just from my facebook picture. It was like OMG! Especially because my hair was hidden inside my scarf. And I had makeup on. And different glasses. And a different nose ring. I didn’t even have my bow on!

Pasta’s in the pot. Wife Swap’s on TV. I think I’ve covered everything. Have a good night, everyone!

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Posted by on January 31, 2014 in Uncategorized


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So, I’m Sitting Here…

So, I’m sitting here on my bed, eating dry popcorn, the dog begging on the floor beside me, reflecting on today. Today was my first day at work without taking any Sertreline. Last time that happened, it was a disaster. Today? It wasn’t too bad. It wasn’t amazing. But it wasn’t awful. I got a little sad at lunch, all stuffed up and wanting all my tears (and snot) to just pour out of my face. But that could have been aggravated by my strap-connector on my bra breaking (my boobs aren’t perky anymore T_T).

Despite my decent day, if you’d ask my boss, she’d tell you I had an awful day. Lately she keeps thinking I’m upset. I don’t know why. But I have a theory. I think maybe I look and/or sound upset when I’m deep in thought and being pulled out of it. Because that’s what happened the last time she asked me what was wrong. But I don’t know. It is concerning, though. Don’t want customers (ahem, ‘members’) thinking I’m upset. Especially when I’m really not.

I finally got that full feeling so my popcorn’s put away and dog is gone. The dog doesn’t like my room because it’s such a mess. And it’s gotten worse since I cleaned it because I brought all my clothes up from the basement. There’s too many. I’ll have to donate at least two garbage bags to Goodwill :(. But I wear everything…

Why was my last paragraph about my bedroom? I thought this was a depression blog. Well, my depression has affected everything in my life, including the state of my bedroom. I’m a very messy person, but I always managed to clean my room when it needed it. Now I have absolutely no motivation to do so. Hopefully the mixture of these new meds minus the other two will help. I hope.

Well, I’m getting tired. That pretty much covers my day. Have a great night, everyone!

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Posted by on January 29, 2014 in Uncategorized


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One of the issues that comes with my depression is motivation to do things I like/need to do. I love to write. But I never really feel like writing. It’s hard to get myself to sit down and do it.

But mostly it’s the things that I need to do that don’t happen. Like laundry. I spent months without doing laundry, just because I couldn’t get myself to do it. And my room, it’s disgusting. There’s a path from my bed to the door and that’s it. The rest is clothes, blankets, purses, bags, etc. Even my desk is clutter upon clutter.

But I was motivated a couple weeks ago. I was super-motivated and I took my personal days from work and a couple other days off so I could clean my room and do laundry. Then what did I do? I got sick. Motivation to do anything dropped. But my mom, bless her heart, pestered me to the point where I got some of it done. Now the issue is that I have too many clothes and not enough space. And yes, I wear all the clothes. By the time I bring the clothes up from the basement that I left down there, there will be no more room in my room again. Sadface. But I have to do it. And I have to do it before my dad’s boss comes to the house, because he’s going to go down to the basement to see my dad’s gun collection. Ugh, I just don’t feel like it.

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Posted by on January 28, 2014 in Uncategorized


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Catching Up

WOW it’s been a long time since I wrote. I still get anxiety. In fact, there’s been a new development on my anxiety. Usually, I get anxiety attacks for some reason. Because something was said or done. But yesterday, I was just sitting there. Sitting there waiting for them to finish fixing my glasses. And BAM! Heart racing, sweating, can’t breathe. Out of absolutely nowhere! And I had no Xanax around, because I keep it in my work stuff. Because I only get attacks at work. Besides, Xanax isn’t working anymore, anyway. So I had to run to Kmart, buy some food, and wait it out. I bought so much food…

That’s another problem. Eating. I do nothing but eat. Eat eat eat. Food food food. I’m so fucking fat! Ugh! We decided this is because I don’t have enough sensory activities in my life. So where am I going to get sensory activities? The only thing I can think of is petting the dog. My counselor gave me a worksheet…

We’re also screwing with my meds still. I don’t want to be on Sertreline anymore because I can’t orgasm on it. Yes, that’s exactly why I don’t want to be on it. A girl’s got her needs. So now I’m on Welbutrin and it’s working beautifully. But I can’t drink on it, which really sucks. I’m at my happiest when I’m drunk. I love it so much. I’m not addicted, but it’s a definitely huge want. Then we started reducing the Sertreline and all Hell broke loose. I’m nervous to see what will happen when we take me off the Abilify D:.

Because I can no longer drink, I’m looking for other ways to let loose. Energy drinks are possible, but my body’s getting too used to them too quickly. Idk how many I’d have to drink now in order to get “high.”

Oh, and here’s a plus. Apparently I have autism, too. Because of my sensory and social issues. Yeah, I have sensory issues. Like, I can’t stand touching soft things (particularly fabrics) when my hands are all dry and/or pruny. And I tend to appreciate soft fabrics more than other people, I noticed. I guess it’s weird o_o.

So…that’s about it. I’m gonna try to post once a week, now. On -this- blog. I’ll focus on depression, but I’ll talk about other topics. Like my writing career (or therelackof). How’s that sound? Good?

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Posted by on January 26, 2014 in Uncategorized


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