Monthly Archives: March 2013

Mentors and Therapists

So, I went to a career counselor once. I thought he was a regular counselor to help with my depression, but whatevs. He told me to find some sort of writing mentor in my life to look up to and ask questions of. Well, I had no one like that in my life. Then came writeworld on tumblr. I became a contributor and the one admin, C, and I really got to know each other (on a professional, internet level). She became my new mentor. I even asked her and everything, haha.

Well, I told her today that the agent that was looking at my manuscript was not responding to my e-mails. And it was strange because she had responded to my first e-mail before. She told me (among other things) to distract myself with writing and sending out more queries. I said I will, but I didn’t tell her that I think my depression is what’s making it hard for me to write.

I love writing. Sometimes I really get in the mood to write. But at that same time, I really don’t want to write. It’s a sort of laziness I feel that I haven’t been able to overcome (yet?). Does that make sense? Feeling lazy a symptom of depression? My new therapist says she hates the word “lazy.” She calls it “lack of motivation.” I kinda like that. Because I kinda feel like I’ve stopped caring a lot, too. But kinda not, too. I don’t know. I’m confused.

Hopefully, this new therapist, whom I’ve only seen once so far, will be good. Hopefully she’ll know how to overcome my excessive laziness and my excessive spending habits. Did I ever tell ya’ll that? I have a spending problem. It’s really bad :/. But I am determined this time to do better. I’m going to stop spending.

I hope…

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Posted by on March 21, 2013 in Uncategorized


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Shakes, Exercise, and PMD

I’ve mentioned before about how much work exhausts me. How I get home, eat dinner, and go to bed by seven. (Though that doesn’t make sense because I literally stand around all day)Well, guess what? (Gonna sound like an infomercial, now) Not anymore! I get home, now, and I have energy to actually do things like read, write, or play games! Ya wanna know the secret? Protein shakes! I had one, and omg did it do wonders. So I guess my 12 hours of sleep every night really was more physical than psychological. I’m so happy!

There is one downside, though. Now, I have just a little too much energy, and I can’t get to sleep. My mom thinks it’s the time change. I’m not sure about that, so I’m gonna try walking the dog when I get home, even though my legs are exhausted and aching :/.

My friend, the one that told me about and sold me the protein shakes, said that short bursts of extreme activity is best for the body. But then he mentioned running for like two minutes and I was like “Ha! Yeah, right!” I can’t run for two minutes. I can’t run for one minute. I can only do, like, fifteen seconds, tops. Besides, I hate it. Exercise in general has never left me anything but miserable, exhausted, and out of breath. I don’t know what these people keep saying about endorphins. Mine don’t seem to work right.

There’s more good news, too. Today was the day that I was supposed to go batshit because of my PMD. And guess what? Perfectly sane, here! And with nine credits (meaning 18 bucks) to spare! Even when the stupid kid came in late, making me late to meet my friend, I didn’t go nutso. The meds are working! I don’t care what you have to say about “meds are bad for you” and “there are better, natural ways;” meds work and I swear by them. I will recommend them to anyone.

Well, I’m tired, now. It’s bedtime! Good night, internet!

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Posted by on March 13, 2013 in Uncategorized


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Depression Has Affected So Much of My Life

Depression has affected my life in so many ways. So many more ways than I had ever expected it to. From my motivation, to my general happiness, to even my own personal hygiene, I can’t believe the toll its taken on me.
    It began with motivation and schoolwork. The day it started, I had a huge project/paper/something I had to work on that day. There was no option, I had to get it done. But I just didn’t care. I had this unbelievable, indescribable, overwhelming feeling of apathy (not caring) about my homework that I just simply could not get myself up and do it. I stayed in bed all day until it was time to go to my friend’s apartment, which was something fun and where I didn’t do a bit of homework. I still managed to get myself to class, but not to do homework.
    I knew this unacceptable. So the next day, I called this counseling service that my dad’s health insurance has for us. She told me to call a doctor. I didn’t believe her. Me? Depression? I know I’m very pessimistic and lazy, but depression? But I could hear the possibility in her words. I had never felt so apathetic in my life.
    The steps I took are not recommended, and though they worked for me, I still wouldn’t recommend them. My doctor started me on an anti-depressant supplement (Abilify, in case you’re dying of curiousness). It worked immediately. The very next day, I felt wonderful. I was happy, cheerful, and all that good stuff. It was during this stage of my depression that I found out who the great teachers are. I told each and every one about my newfound depression. Each and every one said “Don’t worry.” One offered to call the counseling center right then and there for me. Another told me I didn’t have to show up to her class at all if I wasn’t feeling it (but her class was one of my favorites so I never took her up on that). It was incredible.
    Abilify and a few other tips helped me get through the rest of my college experience (which was only a few months).  I thought I was good and done with depression and its effects. I was dead wrong.
    The frustrations of job searching hit me harder than they used to. Though, one could argue that that was because it was more important, now, that I found a good job. To be perfectly honest, I didn’t notice my depression still active in my head until the day I finally got a job.
    I got a job! Finally! Right at the interview, I got a job! So why wasn’t I happy? I was anxious. Nervous. Was I going to do well? Was I going to mess up? This was my depression. It ruined my happiness of getting a job.
    Every once in a while at my new job, I would get anxious. I would nervous that I messed something up so much that by the afternoon, I had completely run out of energy and turned apathetic. Luckily, I eventually got a handle on that. But not before I had to ask my manager to come handle a situation for me because I was too anxious to handle it myself.
    So, now, I thought things were going just fine. I had a handle on things. I had discovered that if I didn’t take my medication, all Hell would break loose, so I take my medication religiously.
    Then came the week before my period in January.
    I don’t know how to describe it. I went batshit. I could feel something strange going on in my head that was making me batshit. I got really angry and exploded at my really good friend. It ruined a special part of our relationship. I’m lucky that he still talks to me.
    Then it happened again the next month. But this time, it happened at work. I was sent home. Turns out that now I have PMD. I cannot make myself believe that it isn’t a result of my depression.
    So now we have motivation, schoolwork, happiness at successes, work, relationships, and my period. But we aren’t done yet.
    Finally, hygiene and general laziness. Yes, now my hygiene is being affected. Even when the depression started, I used to shower every day. I used to brush my teeth all the time, trying to get them white. I brushed my hair every day and styled it. I changed my outfits for work. Now, I only do any of that when I feel like it. I don’t know how long I’ve gone without a shower, but I’d say a week is possible. Brushing my teeth? Several weeks. My hair? I only bother with it when I shower.
    It’s been months since I cleaned my poor fish’s tanks. And I only feed the poor things when I feel like it.
    I’m getting better. I have meds for my PMD. I’m trying to get my hygiene under control. And today, I have a goal to clean the fish tanks. It’s just…Depression has taken over so much of my life. I, who never thought I could get depression, am struggling with each new development. I get better, then something else manifests itself. When will it stop? When will I get better?

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Posted by on March 5, 2013 in Uncategorized