Depression has affected my life in so many ways. So many more ways than I had ever expected it to. From my motivation, to my general happiness, to even my own personal hygiene, I can’t believe the toll its taken on me.
It began with motivation and schoolwork. The day it started, I had a huge project/paper/something I had to work on that day. There was no option, I had to get it done. But I just didn’t care. I had this unbelievable, indescribable, overwhelming feeling of apathy (not caring) about my homework that I just simply could not get myself up and do it. I stayed in bed all day until it was time to go to my friend’s apartment, which was something fun and where I didn’t do a bit of homework. I still managed to get myself to class, but not to do homework.
I knew this unacceptable. So the next day, I called this counseling service that my dad’s health insurance has for us. She told me to call a doctor. I didn’t believe her. Me? Depression? I know I’m very pessimistic and lazy, but depression? But I could hear the possibility in her words. I had never felt so apathetic in my life.
The steps I took are not recommended, and though they worked for me, I still wouldn’t recommend them. My doctor started me on an anti-depressant supplement (Abilify, in case you’re dying of curiousness). It worked immediately. The very next day, I felt wonderful. I was happy, cheerful, and all that good stuff. It was during this stage of my depression that I found out who the great teachers are. I told each and every one about my newfound depression. Each and every one said “Don’t worry.” One offered to call the counseling center right then and there for me. Another told me I didn’t have to show up to her class at all if I wasn’t feeling it (but her class was one of my favorites so I never took her up on that). It was incredible.
Abilify and a few other tips helped me get through the rest of my college experience (which was only a few months). I thought I was good and done with depression and its effects. I was dead wrong.
The frustrations of job searching hit me harder than they used to. Though, one could argue that that was because it was more important, now, that I found a good job. To be perfectly honest, I didn’t notice my depression still active in my head until the day I finally got a job.
I got a job! Finally! Right at the interview, I got a job! So why wasn’t I happy? I was anxious. Nervous. Was I going to do well? Was I going to mess up? This was my depression. It ruined my happiness of getting a job.
Every once in a while at my new job, I would get anxious. I would nervous that I messed something up so much that by the afternoon, I had completely run out of energy and turned apathetic. Luckily, I eventually got a handle on that. But not before I had to ask my manager to come handle a situation for me because I was too anxious to handle it myself.
So, now, I thought things were going just fine. I had a handle on things. I had discovered that if I didn’t take my medication, all Hell would break loose, so I take my medication religiously.
Then came the week before my period in January.
I don’t know how to describe it. I went batshit. I could feel something strange going on in my head that was making me batshit. I got really angry and exploded at my really good friend. It ruined a special part of our relationship. I’m lucky that he still talks to me.
Then it happened again the next month. But this time, it happened at work. I was sent home. Turns out that now I have PMD. I cannot make myself believe that it isn’t a result of my depression.
So now we have motivation, schoolwork, happiness at successes, work, relationships, and my period. But we aren’t done yet.
Finally, hygiene and general laziness. Yes, now my hygiene is being affected. Even when the depression started, I used to shower every day. I used to brush my teeth all the time, trying to get them white. I brushed my hair every day and styled it. I changed my outfits for work. Now, I only do any of that when I feel like it. I don’t know how long I’ve gone without a shower, but I’d say a week is possible. Brushing my teeth? Several weeks. My hair? I only bother with it when I shower.
It’s been months since I cleaned my poor fish’s tanks. And I only feed the poor things when I feel like it.
I’m getting better. I have meds for my PMD. I’m trying to get my hygiene under control. And today, I have a goal to clean the fish tanks. It’s just…Depression has taken over so much of my life. I, who never thought I could get depression, am struggling with each new development. I get better, then something else manifests itself. When will it stop? When will I get better?